| until a brighter day

2007-11-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

Today marks the last day, i'll ever write in this blog. I've made a huge mistake for having one in the first place. I'll like to say that I'm terribly sorry for the misunderstandings I've caused. I've deleted most of my entries, Some of the drafts I've kept but I'll never publish, the rest shall be left as memories for anyone willing enough to read my pointless nothings. It is never my intention to hurt anyone. But I know I have. And if I can take it all back into time and start over. I would. I'm really really sorry for everything. Thanks for reading all this time...

Just because Someone is out of sight, does not mean he is out of your mind. Keep me in yours. Take care (:

missing you.

2007-11-15T11:02:00.000+08:00

realise now

2007-11-14T23:02:00.000+08:00

TODAY, made me realise that

BUT

2007-10-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

I've just recently camp back from camp...Last Saturday to be exact.
My cca BP Mentoring Interative camp, just to make up for the fact that I didnt go the first time..WHICH due to CERTAIN circumstances turned out to be a mistake. blablabla. I shant relive those nightmares.

Anyway, Disco Night was the theme this time. I must say that It was quite interesting although it was only a 2 day one night camp. (which I went home earlier hee~) And I have bruises to prove it.. Most on the arms and a few on my thighs. Mainly due to the free fall Challenge. - The test of trust. haha. Basically a team member is to fall backwards while the rest of the team forms a human basket to catch him or her. If he or she falls, no points is given.

One team mate went nervous and basically fell badly into my other team mate's arms and my shoulder. And in case you're wondering, it hurt like HELL. Hence the bruises..

But The Disco room was super cool, although it was like 2 am already and most of us had only our beds in our minds. The "best" part was My group's dance challenge was to perform a pole dance. Which I happen to do the opening. HAHA. Middle by the rest of the members. And the Ending by Windi, who turned into a girl for the night. Windi is a He by the way.

Judges comments.

1. Very creative
2. Very cool
3. Very sexy ...but I have no comment..;)

Oh well, went home earlier cause I thought I could rest since I danced till 4 am in the morning..(It was so Gerek la!!- mcm tk ingat dunia gitu kan. haha) and was extremely exhausted. but went I reached home, my mum was like LINA SIAP!!!!!, nk gi Rumah cik Ana... Sigh..OH well, at least dapat duit raya.. ahah.

Public apology

2007-10-16T20:02:00.000+08:00

Earlier in school, in the media room there were a bunch of guys that opened the group viewing door (we were inside) and beri salam..Then they wished selamat hari raya when we were about to leave..

I dont know who they are but I was in a confused state at that time so I am so sorry I didnt wish back. Mula2 ingat drg was like teasing or what..And I was thinking nk jawab ke tk nk..and by then nad and faiza dah keluar so I was standing alone. And the guys were all still looking at me Dah paisey la..so ended up just went out w/o saying anything..

I dont mean to appear rude or anything was just bingung at that time.. Again Im so sorry..

I kept thinking that they'll probably think Im arrogant throughout the whole day in class which is why I felt the need to apologise. Phew! And Now my conscience is clear. ahaa.

hari raya

2007-10-16T14:34:00.000+08:00

Sorry for not updating sooner. Its since been 3 days of Hari Raya and I must say, I've had a few surprises this year. Some were good, some were bad. Some were both, I cant decide. .

Oh And I believe My Baju raya's the most nicest this year. We wore black and white on the first day and Blue on the second. As usual, went visiting the elders on the first day a total of 5 houses. Since I have 5 grandmothers and 4 grandfathers. And all living at different ends of singapore. Thankfully most of them are in the east! Semua rumah kena makan, I skipped eating in two houses but still I think I gained all the weight I loss during ramadhan. Alahhhh.. Must puasa nam!!!

Second day was with the father's side. Everyone had lunch at my house first before heading out. Enjoyed some places more than others but I had fun. Especially since we took a lorry ride, dengan angin yang kencang, the occasional rain drops, the company of noisy but cute little cousins and the view of stars at night. FULL LEBARAN SPIRIT tau!

My cousin nisham wouldnt tell me his GPA score. tkpe tkpe.. Mentah2 Tp masih holiday, he has to keep reminding me that I have to go to school on monday. Gggrrrr.. Its funny, he being 22 and all and Im 17 and yet we're both first years. lol.. I must say I enjoy meeting my cousins. They're the best!! Syaz if you're reading this, bila nk belanja Swensens lagi??!? eh wait kater nk lose weight. HAHA. nvm. forget it..

Anyway hope its not to too late to wish everyone
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI!!
It's Our day!! WE Deserve it!

Ps: IM OUT of SA!!!!!!! My english isnt that bad after all. ahaa.

2007-10-08T13:07:00.000+08:00

Yok buat kuih YOK!

Melukut di tepi gantang

2007-10-07T23:41:00.002+08:00

Di malam yang sunyi
Dudukku termenung sorang diri
Di jendela sepi
Hingga dinihari
Ku menantikan kepulanganmu
Namunkah hanya sekadar
Tinggal kata-kata
Bagaikan melukut di tepi gantang
Begitulah aku
Di dalam hidupmu
Ada tiada tak memberi kesan
Hanya aku menanggung
Kerinduan..
Dulu pernah kau katakan
Sayangg..Ingin mendengarku berlagu riang..
Menawar duka laraku
Lupakan saja..
Derita yang berlalu
Tapi mengapa dirimu, kasih..
Ibarat lalang ditiup angin
Kasihmu diracun oleh kata fitnah penuh hina
Hingga kini kau biarkan saja..
Diriku menanggung sepi
Dengan irama dukaku
Yang tak bermakna bagimu…

surprise surprise

2007-10-05T13:38:00.000+08:00

Guess what, results out, I got SA!! And no, SA is not a good thing. In fact it means my english is bad and I have to attend Self access classes to improve it. Can you believe that? Me? Cause honestly, initially I thought it was some mistake. We took a diagnostic test the other day for CRS. aka Critical Reasoning Skills. As though we cant think ourselves that they have to teach us.. And apparently Ms EE is not impressed with my english. But I guess serve me right for being overconfident. . Oh well, perhaps there is a silver lining somehow, I'll just have to wait and see....

I've been thinking lately..Am I an irritant to him? If I am honestly, it isn of my intention. I mean perhaps I'm way too sensitive, maybe he doesnt feel that way and im just imaginating things. sigh. tkpe la, it not impt anyway..if only those h musollah g could just notice m. I wish! lol.. Back to project amalina..

chef me.

2007-10-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

I've been meaning to upload this picture but never really had the time to. My first attempt at baking a cake!! I baked it during the holidays though..
Blueberry cheesecake of course, it being my favourite dessert and all lol..
And Yes It tastes as good as it looks. ahhaa..
But anyway enough of the baking and off to the designing..
Project 1..gives me HEADACHES....
monday submission..+ interim review. And when its done its not like its the end of the story.. in fact its barely begun, its off to Individual tasks next.. get your DESIGN concepts ready people. lol.. Oh well, better get back to work then.

PS: Im still waiting for meiling to come online..

2007-09-27T13:43:00.000+08:00

the day we broke our fast together..

the day came.

2007-09-27T13:02:00.000+08:00

I understand more than ever now that sometimes life just isnt fair and honestly you really cant do much about it. There were things I wanted so badly but it happened to someone else. And there is just nothing that I can do about it.

Time to adapt now. Things took a turn and Im way out of my comfort zone. And to think that I had wished for a change yesterday.. This is seriously unexpected. Remind me to keep my mouth shut the next time ... My end year project's due in 14 weeks and My sit's been change to the other end of the world. I feel as though I'm missing something, things are changing fast. Its like I'm caught in a tornado, and everything I've ever known is gone. Can I really accentuate the positive and do better this time? I hope so. but I think I may need a miracle this time.

Children's day with the mentees.

Its time to make amends.

2007-09-19T07:54:00.000+08:00

This past few days had me considering of changing my handphone no.
Should I? Or should I not? Weighing the pros and cons, it'll probably be the best solution to stop the calls but it'll also be a chore to inform all my old friends and PLUS, I'll need to memorise again. Worst if the number's hard to memorise. I'll think about it again.

Anyways Chose my GEMS yesterday, Tough luck. I didnt get the Revealing eye in digital photography module to my dismay..Though all my friends did. ODD one out again, my fault though missed the first registration appointment. sigh. But I got Online entrepreneurship instead, which is a good thing seeing how my dad has always been encouraging me to use the web to promote our "potential" catering services. Hopefully I'll have fun with the module, and get to make new friends.. Stay positive right? insyallah.

Timetable's been given a slight change. Even got a new PLT teacher. We'll just have to see on Monday then..But I'll have to come to school early on Tuesday for the GEMS while others can come at 1. lol. Still, long break from 10 to 1 so I guess it isnt that bad..

Cant wait to break fast with my favourite gang. Been awhile since we last met..I'll surely feel lost with the conversations seeing how far behind I've been and since they're coupling...Have to just stick with naufal and Faiza..okay okay spoiler haha..But naufal say we could be a threesome. That just sounds wrong but you know what i mean..2 more days..

this has got to stop!!!

2007-09-13T15:39:00.000+08:00

And ramadan's finally here. I can just smell the dendeng and otak-otak along the streets of geylang. No, actually thats just my imagination. And Anyways, went to get bubur, at masjid mydin just now. What a crowd, Its time like these that I thank god everyday that the mosque's just a few walks away from home.. hehe..

It's 3:45pm and I wish I was at school right now. Time flies faster that way. Had my first terawih prayers for the occasion yesterday. A total of 23 rakaat and no less. Helped dad with the drinks. Have to stir up the chocolate and cappuccino concoction before pouring them into bottles for sale. My hands ache from tightening the bottle caps. sheesh. But then again I cant complain, I get a share of the profit even if its the lesser portion..lol

Honestly, I've done more work while fasting rather then not. Just where do I get the energy, perhaps only god knows..

happy belated birthday

2007-09-13T15:15:00.000+08:00

First of all

Happy Belated birthday
adik kesayanganku "NOT"
Ridzwan Hazmi bin Radwan

who turned 5 on the 8 of sept..

WAAaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry no presents yet cause

Im so broke, like the the toy I gave you last year.

But Perhaps now you'll understand

the meaning of stop!

Or dont do that and do you mind keeping quiet cause Im studying??? haha Enjoy your childhood while others are taking the blame for you little brother. Others as in me !!! lol Love ya <3

shame on you by andrea corr

2007-09-07T12:50:00.000+08:00

I heard this song on Channel News Asia once
and fell completely in love with it. I especially
love how it talks about wars, talking away
sons, fathers and lovers. Enjoy!

Shame on you by Andrea Corr

You left me thinking what a bore
I'm always stuck inside
I've got a feeling there is more
Than I've been left behind
A lot of pain a lot of noise
That these four walls hide
Happy faces go to war
And dance upon the mines

Come, come join,
come join, come join us
You're better young,
come join us
You'll be a man,come join,
come join us
You're big and strong, come join us

You planted me in foreign ground
A pen within a hand
At least I am not on my own
In hell I have a friend
And though I find the sin of shame
It isn't my crusade
Dirty faces in a war
Asleep in open graves

Come, come join,
come join, come join us
You're better young, come join us
You'll be a man, come join,
come join us
You're big and strong, come join us

Shame on you, shame on you
Shame on you to keep my love from me
Shame on you, shame on you
Shame on you to keep my love from me
Close your eyes to see it
Unlock your heart to feel it
Changed his name to a number
But he's somebody's child

that last minute trip.

2007-09-07T11:46:00.000+08:00

And Im finally back from Malaysia!!!.

My family and I went from

Tangkak, to KL to Malacca

all in three days, and it was so much fun.

Especially since I had a chance to test drive

my cousin's car. It was scary at first but after a few turns,

I just couldnt stop. It's an experience that I'll

always remember for life!!

And we were lucky enough to watch

fireworks up close since they were celebrating

their merdeka and it was so beautiful.

I didnt shop much though, mostly only

baju kurungs for hari raya.

Was meant to only stay for 1 night

at my aunt's house in tangkak,

but we ended up with staying

2 nights instead. And I apologise for not

informing you girls of the trip before hand.

sorry tau!!!

meet up some other time okay?

Two more weeks till school starts. sigh

Time does fly when you're having so much fun.

the wonderful thing call dreams..

2007-09-03T19:39:00.000+08:00

I think I seem to forget the most important rule in life
To make the best of what you've got.

And actually I feel lucky, I should be.

My wish came true, what more can I ask for?

So why am I here complaining, I've yet to understand..

I have someone who is willing to do the things I thought

could only happen in my dreams.

I'm being told I'm pretty when all my life I

thought I wasnt.

I'm being told that I may not be perfect but he likes me anyway.

And there I was pushing all this away..

I had a dream last night, and it had me thinking.

Maybe, there is a silver lining after all.

I'm going to have to make a tough decision someday.

But I'm looking to GOD for help.

and once I have the answer,

i hope I'll finally see the sun behind

those dark clouds again.

Cause Perhaps, only time can tell.

being you isnt that bad.

2007-09-02T14:28:00.000+08:00

I've been different for a very long time. It's about time

there were more people like me.

nothing lasts forever.

2007-09-02T13:27:00.000+08:00

The first time I went out with Anwar, my heart beat

so fast that I dropped my sis's Mp3 and broke it,

but it's already broken anyway.

The first time I went out with Daniel,

my hand shaked so bad

that I almost insert my Ic

into the ezlink machine and dropped all the cards in my wallet.
The CONCLUSION?

Im pretty bad at first times.
Still I've made it clear to Anwar

that Im not

ready for anything serious.

And I've tried to

convince

Daniel to remain as my brother.

Because honestly at this

point of time,

I am not ready for

a boyfriend.

Either that or Im secretly waiting for k.

But i know,

you cant always have what you want.

I get it, but the thing is

I dont want to plunge into something too rashly

and regret it later.

I cant accept the two when I know my heart

yearns for someone else.

I dont want to have to hurt them.

But Like K said,

you may feel bad to have to hurt someone

but at least,
you're being true to yourself.

Thats the thing about him,

its like he always

know the right thing to say.

I hate not

knowing what to do right now.

It hurts but it maybe the only way.

one step at a time?

2007-08-31T22:58:00.000+08:00

I've been wondering just how did I end up here.
Weeks ago, I was the girl who thought
no guy would ever like her.
And now, I have two.
You know what
they say,
be careful of
what you wish for.
Cause they might
come true.
Because now that
Im here,
I dont think it
was all"fairytale" as I've imagined it to be.
In fact, right now
Im lost and confused.
not wanting to hurt anyone and myself..
Knowing I have to choose sooner or later and I am afraid to do so.
But like you promised me, it'll be one step at a time.
and so, i'll do just that.

Im tagged.

2007-08-25T16:30:00.000+08:00

I was tagged by Rohani to do this. so here goes.

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs! :D

Weird habits, I love bitting my lip and sucking on it when im nervous or bored this explains the swollen patch.
I dont know why, but I often can sense when someone close by is talking bad or is talking about me.
I put up a mature front sometimes but actually at home, Im a different me.
I've had feval fits when I was young, a regular in the hospitals.
I dont like sleeping in pitch darkness, which is why I have a night light.
People are always thinking that Im the fierce one among my siblings, but it's my adik actually. You wouldnt want to mess with her when she's mad.
Sometimes, a guy's voice attracts me more than his looks.
I can be insecure at times, and I cant cope well with pressure
I secretly wish I was in a band.
I tend to talk to myself when I think or fantasize. (;

And here are the Six lovely friends.

Liyana
Ain
Nazurah
Faiza
Saf
Wano

still waiting.

2007-08-25T13:14:00.000+08:00

something for us to ponder upon- taken from b.

longest yard.

2007-08-25T12:52:00.000+08:00

Parents only want the best for their children, no doubt about that. But does their being older, mean they are always right? Does what they want you to be, do, say or choose, always right?
Or maybe
I should be more direct,
Does being a parent give you the authority to dictate your child’s life?

Anyway, these are the questions I’ve wondered half my life as a kid, and I still do now as a young adult.

When I was young,

I wanted,

so much to be a doctor, because my father had asthma and I thought if I was a doctor I could cure him – FREE OF CHARGE.

But of course, I couldn’t reach that dream.

But now Im studying to be a landscape architect.

It’s a far jump from the medicine field but still,

that doesn’t make me feel like a failure,

In fact I feel happier inside knowing this is what I really wanted to do after all.

You see, how many of us wanted to be astronauts or ballerinas when we were young?

But not everybody will grow up to be one.

That is life; we make do with what ever is given to us and make the best of it.

Which make me go back to my question about parents. For how long are they going to make their children suffer by wanting them to do the things they didn’t get to do before? FOR EXAMPLE: A father didnt use to have enough money to study but he has always wanted to be a lawyer. So now that he has themoney, he makes ensures that his son becomes the lawyer instead. But what if the son doesn’t want to be a lawyer? Does it mean he is still obliged to be one? THIS IS THE QUESTION, IM ASKING RIGHT NOW. Doesn’t what we want matter too? Do we not have the right to be who we want to be, do what we want to do?

Half of my life was spent doing things people wanted me to do and REGRET was the only outcome. When I was given the choice to join the A math class, my heart kept saying NOOOOOO. You know you wont do well youll suffer. Go to the Double humanities class, youll be better off there. But I called my dad and he told me to give it a try. So I did true enough I suffered. And when I wanted to quit of course my dad didnt allow it. I did anyway after being hounded by my math HODs to drop because I was failing terribly. But of course I was made to feel like I was a HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT like I have sinned till eternity. He kept saying I dont know what to say anymore, such a pity and then he'll sigh. It hurt me for a great period of time. But then again, WHATS NEW.

AGAAAAIIIINNN, the same old story with retaking my Os. I was made to retake my english when I could just retake my math. But NO a B3 grade isn’t good enough. Im sick with people telling me that Im crazy to want to retake when Ive had a good grade or that they dont know what to say about my actions Because honestly it wasn’t even my choice in the first place. It was my father’s. I went through a great deal, having to pay the papers on my own. To having to pay fine because I paid late
And getting a terrible scolding for it, when it was my bursary money that was wasted.

My bank is empty too
But nevermind,
’m used to it by now, no matter how many Sec 5
Bedok North students and Teachers gonna stare at me and pry.
Stare and judge all you want
I didnt fail my Os and I AM SCHOOLING!
IN SP by the way so
BACK OFF.
alright. What I had wanted to talk about initially was about my arab classes. My father has this idea about how itll help me if I worked for EMIRATES. and since he regretted not completing his GERMAN language lessons, he didnt want me to regret like he did. I cried and beg for them to see how much I suffered in that class. But all they see is me wanting the easy way out. To just quit and be done with it. But that is not what I see. What I see is myself paying $80 every month to learn little or nothing and to fail at the end of the day. Spending 5 hours of my time scared at the back of the class wishing time could run faster with my projects laid untouched in my room. Those 5 hours could have been used to complete my projects, to study my O levels. To rest for that matter. THAT IS WHAT I SEE. And I paid for the first month with what I earn. doesnt that hurt?

SO what if initially I was interested. Who would have thought that they weren’t going to
Utter a single language of familiarity at all? But Just Arabic all the way.
Who would have thought that they would expect you to translate hadith
When HELLO WE CANT EVEN SPEAK ARABIC, all we can do is read!And now who would have thought that the only girl with me in the class is QUITTING! “thanks”. Leaving me all alone. More scared, more worried and pressurized. While every wrong answer I give awards me with the stares of 10 or more annoyed eyes of 40 something to 60 aged men, fluent with the Arabic language starring at me. Either that or LAUGHTER.

but no, Im just giving excuses.
thats what my sister says too anyway.
no one will understand.
I hurt,
I cry
and I shall always pain alone.

and no one will understand. So yeah maybe Im just a pessimist. Maybe I give up too quickly. But that is just me.

You can agree or disagree with my ways.
Maybe Im selfish; maybe Im not filial enough to want to continue the class.
Even when my parents wished it for me, saying its for my best.
Maybe I might regret it like you say if I quit now, but Im already suffering now.
Ive regret half of my life.

Tell me whats new?

Hairspray.

2007-08-23T19:55:00.000+08:00

And exams are finally over.
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLT paper was easier than expected.
hmm..alhamdulilah..
Went out with makminahs afterwards.
Naz, had to go home
since she wasnt feeling well
hope you feel better (:
Went to Suntec to watch a movie.
And it was a last min
decision to watch
hairspray. but it was damn nice!!!!
Totally love it.
Especially the fact that the big girl
got the hot guy in the end.
Too bad it only happens in movies huh?

Anyway, to my makminahs and all
who are going to the
malacca trip tmr
have a pleasant journey
and hope you have fun aiights.

PS: dont forget souvenirs hehe. (;

Super imposed headache.

2007-08-21T13:59:00.000+08:00

SUPER IMPOSED HEADACHE.

On Sun. Maybe I shouldnt skipped class.

But I did.

Went to Bedok Library instead.

Its not like I had fun.

I was studying!!

Had this guy starring at me.

Okay first ignore.

Second time, ignore.

Third time, he came to

my table

with a friend!!.

Next thing I know,

I had a piece of paper in my hand.

Anwar . 9&%$#%$*

So now I have this headache. Probably also

because I talked on the phone for 4hours

with Danial until morning.

But thank god, ENSP paper over.

Tomorrow's my english O level oral. sigh.

PLT paper on thurs. Havent study at all.

Looking forward towards the holidays.

And for Ramadan!!

But Not looking forward for the other O level papers.

haha.

this is hilarious.

2007-08-17T13:09:00.000+08:00

It all happened too quickly yesterday. I was bored waiting for Mr Skyxican who had to help his cousin with his D&T to come back online so when this other guy in Imesh started a convo with me, I chatted back to kill time.

warrior2789: ngah buat ape?

me: revising notes, nth much.

warrior2789: oh kiter menggangu tk?

me: not really, Im bored anyway.

warrior2789: oh jadi kita tengah rescue awak la ni.

me: (eww) suka hati awak la. lol

After chatting for a while. I happen to know that he is schooling in ITE yishun. BLABLABLA. then he had to go, first he asked for my msn, which I gave then he asked me for my no, I gave some stupid excuse to not to, he said okay. He gave me his no instead. Then he asked me if I wanted to go and watch the fireworks with him on sat. Which I politely decline. okay so he went offline. and I had this friends request on msn.

I checked. muhsin. hmm. okay. Took that email and search in friendster. guess what??!?!? It was that weird guy in my mother tongue class in BNSS. K tk pasal. Maybe muhsin added me and it wasnt that guy from Imesh. But of course my curiosity got the better of me. I pestered ppl who knew muhsin. Ask for his no, mane tahu it might match with the no I took down. Nobody I asked had his no. Okay fine.

Today he went online. I asked if he added me at msn ready. he said yes. iasked again you're muhsin? he said yes. okay this part i cant stop laughing. I replied. I know you. he was like huh? I answered. I am from bedok north also I thought you with roslinah?..

he gave me a smile but after a while. he was like awak I have to go. Mesti dah malu la ni kan. haha.. Im bad. but still you have to admit this is hillarious.

Im back.

2007-08-15T18:21:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I last updated I know. But I guess I've been busy with My primer 1. Throughout that period of time, I fell ill, my nose was running, my throat hurt and 2 days later I lost my voice . But its over now, thank god. And So's my primer. wee~

The trip to indonesia put sense back into me for a while. I was at a point of breakdown after my submission. Stressed over everything. Afraid for Crit week, afraid of O levels - afraid of arab classes now that Im the only girl left. (the other girl quit) But it was fun and I felt relax for the first time. I'll update the pictures soon.(updated)

Anyway, life is too short for worries. Study break now Im afraid. Exams on the 21 and 23. And English oral on the 22nd. I decided not to go for the Malacca trip afterall. I could use the money for other things amongst other reasons. I need a new MP3. Mine spoilt ayones ago. And maybe a new wallet. hehe.

So its off to study for me and lots of rest. I slept the whole day today. lol

Going out with the Makminahs tmr. Surprise surprise for a friend. I might want to go to the hairdresser too. My hair's a bit too thick at the moment. And of course there's you. No, I can never hope for too much can i?.

Neways New layout, new song. Hopefully a new beginning.

Dont ever

2007-08-04T15:09:00.000+08:00

Do not settle for less than you are worth just because you are afraid that nothing better will ever come along- thats what what horoscope says today. I know I once said its a bunch of lies. But this one caught my eye.

"The beauty you see in someone else's romance is an illusion. Don't be jealous.. " Even if it were lies, its like they knew just what I wanted to hear. Cause I have to admit, I do settle for things lesser than what I am worth, the fear that nothing better will ever come along is always there in me. And I do envy them. Although I try really hard not to, I still do.

That aside, still have sketches to do for my primer and my powerpoint. And after this Wed, I'll be off to Indonesia for a 3 day holiday. I cant wait. I'll finally have the time to put my mind at ease. But of course I still have my exams to study. And prepare for my english oral on the 28 of August.

but for now Im wishing for the one month holiday to start.

I hate him

2007-07-31T22:57:00.000+08:00

I've been told today, that a certain someone whom I havent a clue who, is going to confront a friend of mine soon. He or She hates what my friend's actions or whatever shit he says and so he or she isnt happy with her hence the "Confront". And oh I am not suppose to tell her anything.

First of all, I dont take words from a bullshitter that seriously. And Besides in the second place, this is a free country. Nobody's perfect, We are not here to please everybody we meet or see, so why must they want to stir a big fuss out of a small matter. I dont even know what is it she did, that the person isnt happy about. He wont say.

Im sick of this, I honestly dont need anymore stress than I'm already have right now.

this is official.

2007-07-31T11:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes giving someone the benefit of the doubt, isnt that worth it. If there is one thing he is good at, its lies. And I think I have just had enough of tolerating the nonsence. I will not be insulted and pretend like Im prefectly okay with it. Disebalik seledang mu tersembunyi p*** mu. was what he sang when I walked pass him in school. If that was a joke, its certainly not making me laugh.

Alright enough about the a**. You know what, the one word I cant stand at this moment its bluek. Not only does it sound disgusting, its not even a word to begin with. I just hate this word. I dont think I ever detested something this much before. And he says it all the time. I guess its a MAT word. I dont know, I'm just guessing. Either that or the user of the word just wants to sound cute which is extremely revolting. You can always just do this :P, its not like we asked for sound effects. Okay, perhaps I just hate the person saying the word. So I was kinda bias.

Anyway., IM done with my model. I am so happy. No Primer 1 isnt done yet, but a quarter of the weight on my shoulders seems have lifted away. I Hid Nadia's present in her bag w/o her knowing. But eventually she found it, I was so embarrassed. Cause I basically just wrapped it in plastic bag. - sorry girl didnt have time.

You know what, This sucks. MYGOD. How can they confuse me with her. DO I really look like her? This is really bad on my self-esteem. "THANKS" GUYS!. sigh.

Im updating this whilst in the studio cause I have nothing better to do. NOT suppose to be free, but I am. And I'm bored and confused and traumatised!!! I still cant believe they thought that I was her. This is going to give me nightmares. I take my words back, the weight is definitely back on my shoulders.

prefect thurs.

2007-07-29T13:08:00.000+08:00

We stayed back late in the school lib last thurs, both Nad and Naz were rushing for their Oc presentation, Ain was helping Nad and I was waiting for 7:17pm to break my fast (I ate in fdcourt 3 with Ain eventually, thnks for accompanying me girl! you're the best). I had nothing to do so I played with the the website Jon gave me to find other people's ichat email address. Here are some of the things I discovered while toying with my curiousity:

You can even get their admin no and the school they are in besides the email.
This is like the Yandao.com of SP w/o the pictures.
That there is only one MH. is CLS.
Shazrul's full name was Shazrul Lubis something2.
There are alot of Rudys in Sp.
Graduated students are still included, like H's.
And Lastly I am not the only Amalina in Sp, sad.

Latenights in school can be fun, when you're with the right people. Thankfully I have just that. (:

and this is why I freak.

2007-07-25T11:38:00.000+08:00

I have to be totally honest, I have always known that guys like him will somehow or rather end up with a c.girl or some other race. Not malay. Never malay. Though I've hoped many times that he'll prove me wrong. Perhaps we are just not good enough, or perhaps its something to do with the mindset that if a malay guy marries a c., then he's definitely well to do, he holds an important position, he is clever and definitely charming if not handsome.

I hope I have the right to be entirely honest seeing this is my blog but I apologise if what I say may offend anyone. My uncle himself married a c. and I love my aunt, no doubt about that. But I have always wondered this, if my uncle wasnt the vice president for Citybank but only a dispatch rider, would she have still loved him? I know I sound cruel, considering she is my own blood but this is the facts of life.

And I guess I am critisizing myself since I have c. blood running in my veins too. My greatgrandmother was c. but my greatgrandfather indian muslim. And seeing that my grandmother was javanese both my dad and my mum's side. I ended up a malay which is more than I can ask for. It's just that I have seen all the good malay guys I know marrying off with a diff race, and I guess I feel bitter that he didnt pick a malay girl instead. but its their life, their choice. As long as they're happy I guess.

sometimes I wish.

2007-07-23T23:11:00.000+08:00

We all have own secrets desires, dreams, goals, wishes, but needless to say, whether they come true or not, none of it is in our power. Do we still pursue it then? Or do we give up and move on without even trying?

I have to admit, on most counts I have always chose to give up and move on. Perhaps, that's my downfall, the fear of failure. I'll never enjoy doing something Im not good at or have a first try at something and go horribly wrong. I just hate feeling useless, you know. I guess, everybody feels the same way too, but it affects me more. My father have always told me, Amalina, you cant always have what you want in life. I know he is right, but somehow I wish he wasnt.

That is my wish, to be in a world where nothing can stop me. To be in a place where I can fall and get back up again. To have you by my side, and all the time in the world in our hands. To be free, to have hope again and faith. To believe in myself and never doubt what I am capable of achieving. To be happy and never worry again. To be me and knowing I am good enough. Because at this point in time, somehow being myself is just not good enough.

I really do..

2007-07-22T22:40:00.000+08:00

I cant believe what I heard on the radio today. Some guy,I think his name was IMRAN was claiming that most girls are generally looking for guys for looks and money and he was sick of girls not going for guys like him, "the nice guys" or in his case the muffin guy. Let me elaborate, why Muffin guy well apparently he called himself that, cause he's the kind of guy who'll just bake a muffin with candles on it for a girl on a bday - more thought, less cost.

And whilst he blabbered on, asking where the minority girls out there who werent materialistic were, all I wanted to do was puke. If you're hearing this IMRAN, those minority is definitely right in front of you. And get this, why havent you seen them? Because they're muffin girls too with no looks or money. And no, you dont notice them why? Cause you go for looks yourself you ***! Damnit.

Okay well I guess I was being a biasshit I'll admit that. Insulting you was purely personal, no offence. haha. But it was nice of you to request for Beautiful girls, easy on the ears kind of song.

Speaking of song and music. I really do love hearing him sing. And being the guy that he is, I cant believe that he actually sings Jason Mraz song's. Well it was one song, but it was one of my favourite. So unlikely of him isnt it. Well then again, he never fails to amaze me. One of the reasons why, I find him intriguing still.

life puzzles me, all the time.

2007-07-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

Whenever you want something so badly at a particular time, do you realise that you'll never get it? But often at the time when you actually dont want it anymore, there the thing appears right in front of you. Why is that so? I dont think i'll ever get it.

And Right now, my life still sucks big time. still alone. Still stressed out. Still with low self confidence. Dont remind me about primer, and OC. I guess Im lucky that my Oc's on the next next fri but still again I'm the first speaker for that day. I hate being first!!!In that "context" anyway.

Plus I Had this stupid overseas call yesterday. Why is it that ever single convo I have with him always end up with me feeling bad. Maybe there was a good reason why I had blocked him before.

I need to get back my momentum and stop skipping my arab classes. ALthough I did so again today. haha. If MY principal meets my dad again and tells him like the other day. IM DEAD. You know what, screw that, I already feel like dying anyway. Someone help me with this splinting headache..no seriously, migraines are taking over me.

hmm..thoughts.

2007-07-19T14:22:00.000+08:00

Hmmm..The Makminahs seems to have expanded. lol. We had our very first lunch with Shazrul and naufal. But I have to admit, lunch is certainly not boring anymore. Not that it was boring before, you now what I mean. And Anyway, I think it's cool that they dont mind eating with us or hanging around us for that matter.

I mean Some guys would rather be alone with their girl and want them all to themselves. Or when they are with their guy pals, they would rather not have you around. I guess that would be controlling then. Again, that has me thinking, if I was with a guy and he doesnt like my friends or my friends dont like him will that be a problem?Or what if my guy is overly friendly with my friends. Wouldnt that also be a problem?

I dont know la. I will just let time tell and see where this goes from here. and if I have a b. I dont know if I would let him..er you know what. haha. ciao.

and its finally over.

2007-07-18T21:49:00.000+08:00

Okay well, I know its been a long time since I've updated. I guess I've been too caught up in my worries for the Be karaoke finals but hey, its over. Nah, I didnt win, The campus superstar judge gave me the Best vocals award though. And dont be surprised but the OPERA singer actually got 5th place. Haha, just goes to show that sometimes being different does give you the advantage.

I had a lot of fun though. I would like to thank Nic contestant no 6, for helping me to stay relax, and to your friend too. Nic you should have won something!! I cant believe you didnt, you sang well, I honestly like your voice. Well for me I can say that they were bias at letting the seniors win, but if that is the case arent you a senior too? haha..Anyway Hope we still remain friends after this. You rock!

I have prepared this long thank you speech..So here goes. lol

First and foremost thanks to my sis for coming all the day after a tiring day of Ms Rahma's boring remedial, making it on time to hear me sing and tolerating my breakdown for the past two days.
To Pei, thanks for coming and I know you skipped your class to watch me, thanks alot for the trouble of buying 20 coupons to vote for me, bestfriends for life okay?.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart to MAKMINAHS, faiza, naufal and Shazrul for the tremendous support, thanks for believing in me and the last minute banner made out of butter paper!! lol
To Xiuming who came despite your bleeding toe, really really grateful.
To Adilah, Fizza, their friend, shida and Wano thanks so much for coming to support me.
To Mr sonny who shouted like those fan girls when I sang haha and Mdm Serena for watching my performance.
To cecilia , shi hui, alieesha, kelly and rest..THANKS again for coming.
oh and to the three malay guys that voted for me thanks a lot. I dont know who you are but I think one of them was farouk (I think thats how the name is spelt) from ssp. I may have missed out some names, really really sorry but thanks to you guys too.

This is starting to get a bit to long okay last thanks to those who kept me motivated through sms.
For those who couldnt make it, thats okay your lost, didnt get to her me sing! haha. kidding-kidding.

so now all I'm left to worry about is my primer 1 and oh my mum's bday. And yes Im still have a long way to go with my primer. Just when you think the pressure is long over. sheesh.

Loves and hates.

2007-07-15T17:29:00.000+08:00

LOVES

I love it when its rains at night knowing I will have a peaceful sleep.
I love when it's really windy and I feel light.
I love it when my bed is neat because it feels nice and it makes me feel like i want to just lie down and relax.
I love it when I have dreams in my sleep, it makes me wonder.
I love it when a guy smiles at me, my heart skips a beat.
I love it when I laugh with my family and friends, it helps me forget life.
I love it when I feel at peace when I pray, I am more calm.
I love it when guys confide in me, it makes me feel special.
I love it when I am able to make someone feel good, escpecially children.

HATES

I hate it when I look in the mirror and notice every single flaw in me come alive.
I hate it when I'm being told Im not good enough, I feel useless.
I hate it when I have headaches, I can never think straight.
I hate it when My stomach hurts, before and after I eat, it drives me nuts..
I hate it that I dont pray promptly as I used to, I feel so empty.
I hate it that I tell lies just to cover my mistakes, the guilt sinks in deep.
I hate it that I make too many mistakes,
I hate it that Im too argumentative and stubborn.
I hate it that I am fat and easily judged.
I hate that at times ppl use me to get what they want.

IN SHORT:

*I love who I am but hate what I have become and I am afraid of what I will be in the future...

a happy ending after all?

2007-07-15T15:34:00.000+08:00

I was never a big fan of cats, rabbits or animals in general. I guess I have always been the only one in the family not borned to the genetic attraction towards animals like everybody else does. But recently, I seem to have had a change of heart.

Last year, my family brought home a little cat, she was grey, long-haired, a maine coon. Relatives to persians except they dont have flat noses but have long fine furs, white circle around their eyes and a really furry tail among other features. But that was a long time ago and that little cat is no longer little.

Fluffy as what we called her is now a mother! It was scary at first as four days ago, she bled and was in labour but instead of babies, what came out were two lumps of blood of what looked like un-formed kittens. My sis was devastated of course. She cried like crazy. She bled again yesterday, and since we didnt want blood to be dripping all over the house, my sis caged her. I told H about it since he had cats but he was like Hey, dont turn to me, I am not a veternarian.(some help he was!)Anyway, she mewed alot whenever we walked pass, as though asking us to let her out, it was just so sad.

But at 5:47 am today, I remembered cause I checked the time when I woke up from sleep.I switched my toilets light on, and there right beside fluffy was a tiny baby drinking his/her mother's milk. I shouted for my mum who was at the kitchen downstairs and even my sis who was sleeping heard the words baby and woke up straight away. It was like a miracle, that kitten was a miracle. It had patches of orange and black on her and some parts of its body was white. Only it face had bits of grey on it so as you can imagine it didnt look much like fluffly at all lol.

You know what's funny, my dad went to the mosque nearby straight away to sembanyang subur and sujud syukur. But he was like, the baby is not beautiful (this is because he/she looked like a normal cat). Its just so typical of my dad to give such comments. Anyway its too early to say, but he/she does have a maine coon face. We shall have a name for the baby once we are sure of its gender. A happy ending after all.

Fluffy and her tiny baby

The new addition to the family!

pics from recent events

2007-07-14T19:45:00.001+08:00

Here are some pics I took with the MAKMINAHS throughout last week.

Enjoy!

When Naz didnt want to

wait all alone for her guy

we MAKMINAHS were there..

Cant rmb why Nad told us to do this pose. haha.

The shoes Ain's wearing..thats my creation (:

Ain's own way of thanking me for the present lol.

Ain's surprise quiet bday party
(she didnt suspect a thing!!)

just want to close my eyes

2007-07-13T08:03:00.000+08:00

To all you guys out there who believe in horoscopes, its BOGUS I tell you!! Fake, liars, so you can just forget it. I had a horrible day on tuesday, even worser day on wednesday and guess what my horoscope said, TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY are going to be your best days. Best my foot.

They also said that I'll be getting my big pay off yesterday so use it well and share it with my family and friends. The only big pay off I received was that huge misunderstanding yesterday, and a horrible nightmare. And so let me tell you again that horoscope is nothing but a fake. Its about people with sad lives just wanting to make a different and better outcome for themselves.

But who are we to say if tmr is going to be good day or bad. GOD determines it, he chooses to let you pass or fail, let you win or lose, make you right or wrong. Yesterday, I thought if I shared, it would be better. But it made the matter a whole lot worse. Whenever I try to just forget abt my mistake, I cant stop myself from crying because I am afraid of the outcome. It wasnt my intention for that to happen and should something bad occurs, I am really really sorry. But whatever it is, girls, I'm on your side now.

All I want to do right now is close my eyes, and hopefully in time all of this will just go away.

sad.

2007-07-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

I took this from a friend's blog. And he was right it would definitely hurt many girls' feelings because i know, I was and still am affected by it. He said: isnt it sad that many guys wouldnt want to go out with a fat girl? But I know how it feels, cause I wouldnt want to go out with a fat girl either. I have my own reasons.

There is a malay proverb and it goes, It breaks our hearts when we notice a terrible sight, but it pains more to those who carries that burden. And like many fat girls and me, that burden is with us for life.

I think people seem to forget that we didnt ask to be like this. We all have our own reasons as to why we are fat, and why we've yet to do anything about it. I have mine. And I hate it when people go on, criticising you and blaming you for being fat. Hating you, making fun at you. HEY! we carry this burden, the torments, the diseases, the stigma. So why are you making our lives anymore worse than it already is?

And I dont agree about what he said. That wanita islam pemalas. How can you label us that just because we dont do sports? I dont know about other girls, but I enjoy kayaking, I used to jog, and walk to school when it was 45 minutes away and sweat like a pig when I've reached there, i love cycling around my hse or rollerblade (okay I like it but its tiring) But hey, just because we dont do it often doesnt mean that we are pemalas. you want to berbezakan kita towards org cina, fine, but dorang tk ya tutup aurat jadi tak panas, or sembayang jadi byk time or have other obligations like we do.

I am not gonna use nk kena tutup aurat as an excuse to not wanting to swim. I would love to swim. Who wouldnt? But I cant, I dont know how to. I barely survived my one star kayak which thankfully I passed. And when I went for my level one rope rock climbing exam, I think I passed by luck. My point is, nt many of us are good at sports like you are. And the thing is you dont like doing the things you're not good at. That just doesnt mean we are lazy.

I hope I conclude my point. And if you're reading this, honestly dont turn your back on your own kind. Dont easily judge us too. I know you wouldnt have thought that I would have a one star kayak if I hadnt told you. So yeah, we are not all that.

And being fat does not mean we eat junk food all day!!!!!!!!!!!! Andy you're a fat person too, u should know that. haha. bugger.

fool again- no more

2007-07-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

I told mum about my emotional breakdown today.And I cant believe I didnt thought of that. Maybe she is right, what if that was his intention all along. Well it seems to make sense. Anyway, whether or not that's the case, it sure makes me feel better knowing, that might just be the reason.. thanks Mum and yan you're the best mother and sis anyone can ever ask for <3

But anyway Here's my new resolution..

Stop letting my heart confuse my thoughts.
Stop letting sweet-talks fool me.
Stop hoping for happy endings.
Prove to others that I can sing, not airy.
Jangan tinggalkan solat or be rude to my parents.
Stop letting people hurt me, have faith, have confidence!
Concentrate on studies (on request of Andy! haha)

depressed. and more.

2007-07-10T23:55:00.000+08:00

Primer 1 was heart-wrecking. I dont know what to say, but to say I wasnt disappointed would be a lie. I think I probably felt even more terrible than Beatriz who could only provide a silent presentation. Out of the 9 groups presented, we are the "lucky" ones to present with the deputy directer of DLA's presence. Our group and Faiza's, hence from wanting to add fun into our presentation, we ended up with a solemn one.

The only comment I kept hearing is, u sound nervous, nervous, nervous. (referring to the whole group). It was irritating, because honestly I didnt think I sound nervous, or confusing. All the lecturer's kept telling us that they disagreed with our explainations. Out of all the other groups, I honestly felt like ours had the worse critics. And it was honestly a horrible feeling, Dont cry? god I felt like my eyes could leak any moment then if they continued talking. But I kept laughing because that's the only other alternative I could think of.

But I guess, what doesnt break you makes you stronger right? Though I have to agree that our plant representation was horrible. And yes, most of the material representation of the different feelings looked about the same. Still we had the director in front of us, come on!!

I guess, I have to just get back up and face the world again. If our lecturers had high hopes from us and was disappointed that we didnt meet their standards then I dont know what to say honestly. Because they should have picked Carter's group or Ayam's, not ours!!!. Definitely not ours.

anyway here are some of the pics I took (:

niu (; and me.

huabin, me and ayam (hb step fierce)

The pretty, the sweet, me. (better?)

PS: pei how can you say that he gives you the shengxiong feeling. nope u dont know him well enough to say that. I cant believe you're judging people by looks now when you hate ppl doing it to you..sorry no offence either. I dont think I'll get over what you said. sheesh..

fate wasnt kind.

2007-07-06T23:03:00.000+08:00

Have you ever realise that when you're searching for something, you'll never find it at that time. But you end up finding something else. That's whats happening to me right now.

There are many instances, but I rather not talk about it. I guess what they say is right, sometimes what you're searching for, appears right in front of you at a time when you're not looking for it. For those who know me, you'll know what I am searching for, or rather have been searching for a very long time. Maybe I should stop searching, because I realise now that I havent found what I've been searching because its just not time yet.

Sometimes we all want something so much, that if we dont get it, we get disappointed in the end. But what if, what we wanted isnt good for us, we feel terrible that our crush didnt feel the same way but what if by rejecting you he was actually doing you a favour? What if Perhaps, you didnt see opportunity knocking at your door, because you werent paying attention. Perhaps, you kept thinking you werent good enough for some but you forgot that you are good enough and more for the others. Accentuate the positive in life, and you'll find a new meaning to live. Thats what I'm trying to do.

Anyway, Ain's bday on Monday, Happy birthday in advance girlfriend! Wont say more or I'll spoil the surprise.

Ps: here are some pics I took on Fri (OC presentation)

sky wants to show off his dimple
Peng, why are you so pale lol.

OHMYGOD!!!!

2007-07-05T21:12:00.000+08:00

Our group task for Primer 1 is done thank god. It feels like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It has been a pretty stressful week, I endured many sleepless nights. I guess everyone did. It was just so frightening when I realised that we didnt have much time to complete the tasks. There is more work for our Individual tasks for Primer 1, but right now I try not to think about it. I shall enjoy every last bit of this free time while it lasts.

Im sorry Nad and Ain and Naz. I didnt mean to tell Naufal first instead of you guys that I had entered the Finals. It was just a slip of the tongue, honest. And besides Nad was the first person I called after I was told of the news. So anyway people I got into the FINALS of the BE karaoke competition. Thanks for everyone's support and your faith in me. I know I will be needing it again on the 18 of july.

Your Japanese Name Is...

Keiko Tanaka

I saw this at my friend's blog and decided to try it out. But No, pls dont start calling me Keiko. lol. thats all (:

ahem..ahem..

2007-07-03T21:55:00.000+08:00

What a day. I officially skipped my first class today. No I am not proud of it, but I just thought I'd let you guys know. haha. ENSP tutorial supposedly ends at 5 but we went out at 4 to go see The SHOCKWAVE jam their stuff. Naz wanted to hear R. sing. Both Nadia and Naz quietly put their bags outside before going out. But I just walked out with my bag passing my lecturers without turning back. haha. I wasnt being daring, I just didnt want to waste time.I thought I was late cause by then Naz and Nadia were already outside the studio waiting for me.

Anyway..Guess what I got for my ENSP ICE 2. Bt. at first I thought it was a b-. I was disappointed, after all I lost a lot of sleep just to do the product which I thought looked pretty good. But unfortunately Mdm Siti felt that the design was quite unproportionate and not stable. Hence the marks. But I guess I have to agree that it does look unstable. Oh well Bt is better than a B-. Even if it isnt an A. Coincidently this links to my horoscope today which said Being perfect is impossible -- so why don't you give yourself a break today?! I will try to rmb that in future.

Quite A tiring day too. Oh by the way, rmb the reaction paper I talked about some time ago.The one I thought I might fail terribly for writing totally different from others? Alhamdulilah I didnt.

And He cheered my day alittle. So thanks. Submarine lol.

The jamming session went horribly wrong for me because the music was extremely loud and My ear drums started to hurt. Really hurt, I can still feel it at this moment. So I couldnt pay attention much, because I was suffering. I kinda forgot that my ears are sensitive. After that I didnt even listened to my Mp3, I think my ear drums need a long rest.

But the music was good. My ears just didnt give in. I gotta finish my primer..Thur's the date due. Aah!!!not much time left.

what a day!

2007-07-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

It was the Be karaoke auditions today. And Ohmygod I totally corked up. How come nobody told me that I was going to be the first to sing? Its time like these, that I totally hate having a name starting with A! Because it was not in random order but in alphabetical, stupid organiser. Sheesh.

Anyway, thanks MAKMINAHS for being there, I dont know what I would do without your support. And also thanks to Nures, her friend and Shazrul for the wishes. Well even if I dont get into finals, I did prove to myself that I am NOT a coward like I used to. lol. Quite interesting, singing on a mic, especially when your voice seems to be heard only 2 seconds after you've sang. Weird. Now, remind me to never sing Hero or hear that song again. Yikes. The horror!!

Ain taped my performance, said she's going to put it up on You tube then her blog. (can I hide my face?) seriously can I? I sang wrongly la duh! Wrong lyrics I was like so nervous that I forgot the words. haiz, but nobody notice. Mygod, I thought it was obvious.haha so now you know.

so anyway, had this crazy conversation with Ayam. Naz suruh tanya so it started from there. lol. Kinda interesting la, getting to know him more. But Naz dont worry, dia kata, NO! okay? so..thats all for today. I will upload photos once THE MAKMINAHS send me. lol. peace (:

just a few shots.

2007-07-02T13:34:00.000+08:00

Thanks Faiza for the ROSE!!

My desk in the studio (:

halfthebattle. Formal day!

2007-06-29T21:55:00.000+08:00

Quarter of the battle won. YAY! I'm done with my OC presentation Finally..There were some corked up moments (namely, the question and answer section haha) but other than that Im just glad that It's DONE! plus, Ms Lim said that she'll mark strictly next week meaning, although we maybe the guinea pigs, we are indeed some lucky guinea pigs. lol. Oh, laut patted my head today, so weird la. I ask him why he do that then he said, you look cute today, everyone look cute today. lol. (he is such a cute flirt)

Got lots of things in my mind lately. Namely, the fact that I dont find it easy to talk to lembu anymore. Actually I wanted it to be that way at first, but nowadays I just want things to be as they were before. I dont want to lose another friend. It's been awkward whenever around him this past week. The strain started on Monday and worsened throughout the week. Didnt even talk to him at all today. Walaupun balik sama-sama lagi with everyonela tapi.(anyway we've started to talk again. so all is good)

sigh. life can be complicated sometimes. anyway, i received vocal lessons from Kak CT today. haha. Garau kan suara! Garau kan suara. Okayokay. I promise I will try. Cant be airy! Monday is the auditions anyway, not much time left. I just hope I dont get scared shitless on the stage. Thanks by the way. I shall practise all the way.

By the way things coming up include new student on Sunday! Tuition teacher in the house. lol. Sembawang tapi. Mygod really far but I guess sacrifices have got to be made. I've got to finish the ENSP. hmm.. write up the storyline. reaserch for the pictures for the story. hmm.. what else. or yeah practise and find something decend to wear on Monday. lol.

maybe I shall upload the pictures of my formal wear..later. (uploaded)

Ps: baik ah. lembu tanya what I say pasal dia kat the last entry. haha. I say not impt lololol.....

wait a minute.

2007-06-28T19:09:00.000+08:00

botanical gardens trip today. Assignments to complete, tomorrow's due, not to mention, the OC presentaton tomorrow! Mygod.

Anyway, I'll like to take back my words, I dont need Niu to be around for classes to be fun. I have Naz and Nadia. I have my MAKMINAHS. Siapa perlukan si lembu tu. Just realise yang dia dah tk serapat aku seperti dulu, yelah. I understand sekarang dah popular. Kadang-kadang I feel as though dia berkawan hanya setakat nk my reflection ideas. Dia pernah bilang yg dia nk dpt markah lebih tinggi then me. Tah la, he can be like Carter for all i know. He is starting to be like him anyway. SO the point is, I take back my words.

On a lighter note. went to Shop house today. spent all the money I bought today to eat LJS's new meal. $4.50 man, but the drink was medium sized so I guess it was worth it. I dont want to talk about botanical gardens because it was crappy. Panas-panas terik, boleh dia mati- mati nk kiter draw 15 ginger plants. Even Mr Sonny bilang kita suruh persuade Mdm serina to reduce it to 10. But she said no.

And I am quite impressed with laut today. when he saw a spider on my scarf, he actually helped me to take it off. Not like stephen dulu when I had red ants on my hair in secondary school. Just bilang but tak tolong. Okay. so thanks again for that.

anyway, better get on with my work. Need to redraw the ginger plants and write the 500 word reflection mygod. Serina ni betul pening kan kepala. haha. Oc presentation tomorrow. All the best people!Formal wear, must look good. haha. (:

Cactus garden@ the botanical Gardens

first time for everything

2007-06-27T11:41:00.000+08:00

I want to first and foremost upload the logo our group created but that has gt to wait since, the picture isnt with me right now. But I can assure you that it will be worth the wait. And just like Naz said in her blog, I am also proud of the creation. It really did symbolise Me, Naz and Nad perfectly. (you can go to Nazurah's blog to see it first)

Anyway, Wednesday today. 8-12. HTLD module. Boring. Wrote a reaction paper on factors that determine Human behaviour and I chose Time. I am either going to fail horrendously for the paper or do extremely well, either way I am really sure no one else thought about my idea. I know most people are talking about lights and colours and no I am not sure if I wrote in point. But that is not what I want to talk about today.

That stupid Niu didnt come today. Headache, what excuse! lol. oklah fine, get a good rest at home Niu and dont miss me too much!! He has the nerve to say that he will have no time to miss me cause he'll be resting. IDiot! (haha he must do reaction paper :p)

I wont say much la, but if he isnt around, class is pretty boring. I have to admit that. No one else can tolerate my nonsence I guess. haha. Okay maybe Ayam, but somehow its just not the same. No one else hits the back of my chair and give me backpains. Just that stupid Niu. lol.

Went to library to discuss Oc. We thought of booking a group discussion room but it was fully booked. Bila figuring what to do next, got some stupid guy was like purposely walk in front of me, and muttered helohelo testing one two three then walk pass. Actually I thought, he was saying to someone else and he didnt mean to walk into me but when I look up It was actuallly that stupid HQL. When I look up then he started laughing. okay fullstop.

Anyway, tmr we are going to the BOTANICAL GARDENS. no Im not looking forward to another day sweating and wasting 5 hours just to tire myself. Like that macritchie trip.

Remind me, I have a storyline to write, an ensp project to complete and the OC speech to write on oh and also A's p to design and make card. This fri is our presentation, First group, mygod!! Next week, BE karaoke comp auditions. no dont remind me about that. Going toCameron highlands with class soon, cool right? I so hope I can go. thatsall. (:

to ain- klah jadi.

ps: updatings of blog done in school library. comp R11-03. hahaha.

tiring exhausting bored

2007-06-25T21:18:00.000+08:00

Yeah, thats how my day is today. It is the first day of school after the holidays and again like usual we were given our new project briefs, this time its PRIMER now, no more ICE. Meaning more work, higher weightage.

Had to form into groups of 5. At first thought, Sharon and Sheau wei could join us but no they had another group. So Nadia was like frantic to find people cause she didnt want Ingchuan in the group. (its a long story) Next asked Berg, he said he had a group. Asked Ayam but he wasnt avaialble either. Last resort. Y2. Dont know where he is, msg him reply one word answers. (WTH? lol waste my sms only) but he too has a group.

So we talked to Mr sonny and he said it was okay for the 3 of us to just be in one group since the class has 43 students. Thank God. Michelle wanted to join us but, we're really sorry michelle, we decided to not have a big group afterall.

Anyway, just the tutorials alone was boring. EVERYONE was practically falling asleep, the storyline for our Primer was Jack and the Beanstalk, in my head I was like have they seriously ran out of ideas for projects? but then again its only my opinion. I had to read out 2 plots of the story, "Thanks" to Nadia. (she took a pic of me too, inset below)

At 4pm, when to the nursery. Did I mention I wore black today? biggest mistake, sweat like crazy. And there were so many leaves, it was so exhausting. oh yeah I saw many posters saying POLY 50 training conducted or something like that, just great, I really dont need to see that. Basically It was just exhausting like mad. And the mosquitoes, showed no mercy on us. My feet all filled with mosquito bites and Chaichuan had a really red neck afterwards.

ate at fdcourt 5, actually my stomach hurt and I didnt feel like eating but I felt so weak I knew I had to fill my stomach with something. And I was suppose to have tuition today I was really afraid of sleeping on my first job. but alhamdulilah she cancelled cause her daughter was running a fever. Actually I dont know why I feel so weak suddenly, I honestly hope I am not falling ill too. That will be a disaster. Oh and did I mention that it was a pink day today (:

was I laughing or crying? I cant decide

candid shot thanks to Nad, Foodcourt5we appreciate nature lol

It was a pink day, nevertheless (:

onevowIintendtokeep.

2007-06-22T21:15:00.000+08:00

Met my makminahs today, was so esctatic. I didnt realise how much I've missed them. Nadia was in her Baju kurung, I must say she looked sweet in it. Oh I really missed Ain's yellow pants, lol could already notice them from far away. And Naz, new bag was really nice, well the price was nice too, 25 pounds. Ate Laksa at Bugis, Naz missed the food here since they ate Maggie all the time in London. So, everyone began talking trying to catch up on what we've missed and such. Yes, there were lots to say, I guess I didnt but everyone else did.

Then we went to Raffles city, walked to the Singapore river but it was kind of hot so decided to go to Esplanade instead. Naz gave us the souvenirs which I totally love. (thanks Naz) We kinda went into the Fullerton Hotel first, it was grand. really. Took photos in the toilet as Usual, then walked through the underpass to Esplanade. Im sure people we starring at us, lol.

Kinda nice to just chill for a while, thats what we did. Talked about relationships, guys, the usual "what ifs". Naz asked me, what if he asked me out. what will I say. I dont know, all I know is I have to get over the "what ifs" in my head.

Honestly I am just awaiting for the day when I'll see him walking beside a girl. Because I guess that is the only way I can forget him. It will hurt but thats okay, anything goes just as long as I can get him out of my head. He is not the one for me.

Speaking of the vow, I made one today, and I intend to keep it.

My Makminahs and I

The gifts.

seemsharshbutsomewhattrue

2007-06-20T18:19:00.000+08:00

Useless rantings of a growing teenager, yeah thats what my blog's about. If You've learnt something from my mistakes, setbacks, heartbreaks, betrayals yada yada yada and have became a better person, it's probably a miracle BECAUSE..I never learn from my mistakes.

Honestly they say, once bitten twice shy right? but look at me, my life's like dejavu all over again. And NO I dont mean it in a good way. I fall, get back up only to fall flat on my face again.

I met P today and she reminded me as to why I didnt fit in with Adilah and Artini types before and why I still wont fit in today. She is right, sometimes popularity is great and all, but its just not for everyone, And certainly not for me. And yes, its true sometimes GUYS just DONT get it.

It was just earlier that I read a book about a guy's manual to woman. In its No 5th rule it says, if you screw up, take it like a man. But most guys I know, dont. She told me about this guy who she is really close with, but their friendship is somewhat a secrecy because he doesnt want the class to tease them together. My first reaction was, thats JUST crap! Once someone teased them and he was like How, How, what shall we do. If I was her I'd just leave this creep. If he is embarassed of the friendship, then why even bother be friends? Why wont he just take it like a man? And if doesnt like her, why is he so guilty then? But she really like him and I cant blame her, love can be blind sometimes. And if crushes arent meant to hurt, it wouldnt be called a crush.

Anyway on a lighter note, P and I decide to partner up and open our own Blogshop selling tops to accessories at affordable prices. There will be Second-hand as well as New items displayed. I'll showcased the link once the blog is completed. If anyone has anything they would like to discard feel free to donate. thanks. (:

Closecall

2007-06-19T17:18:00.000+08:00

Seems like Its been a long time since I last updated huh. Okay I'll give the 411, updates I mean.

When to school today with yana, no business or reason just came. When to the library, watch a movie. We watched My BIG FAT GREEK wedding first, it was a really sweet story about a plain girl who was 30 and still not married but found true love with a normal sane white guy. AND thats not good because a GREEK girl has to be MARRIED to a greek guy and produce greek babies. And Greeks arent normal. Well thats what she said anyway. The sad thing is her father always look at her and goes, TULA, when are you going to get married? You look so OLD. But when she finally got engaged, he still wasnt happy because he wasnt GREEK. But It had a happy ending so, for anything else GO watch it yourself.

Next we watched Uptown girls, it is about a 21 year old woman who acts like a child and 8 year old who is more mature than any adult. So basically they are trying to teach each other to act their own age. It was touching and there was a really hot british guy in it so, for anything else you wont run out of reasons to go catch this one.

Oh yeah, AL HAZEEQ was there too, in the media room and guess what he was watching.
POKEMON for gods sakes. but it was kind of cute the way he welcomed his girlfriend, he stood up straight away, pinched her cheeks and he was like really happy to see her and all. Lucky girl, I guess.

Hmm..later, when we were going to foodcourt 3 to have lunch we saw like alot of people running from the I cant really remember the name of that place but it starts with a C and it was the gathering place for our KEM ILUSI during the MLS camp. I'll try to put the name once I remember it. (Its the cliff, rmb now) Anyway, my eye caught a few familiar faces like Najib, Aizad (i think that is how his name is spelt) and those SSP peeps. And I was like SHOOT! dont let them see me. They are probably having the SSP camp, which I told I could not go. so it was a close one. Thank god they didnt see me.

Oh and it came to my attention that POLY 50 is a campus relay. So that is what he is training for. When I asked him was he in school training for a marathon he said no, POLy 50 so I thought since it wasnt a marathon it was probably swimming. But that didnt make sense since the swimming pool is under renovation.. Now I know. wow, he really is an athlete I guess.

So anyway. thats all the 411 I have to day. And FYI maybe I'll update again tmr with a more interesting topic I hope. (:

flashbacks

2007-06-15T14:41:00.000+08:00

The crazy crew. I look horrible YES I KNOW!

stillanonymous

2007-06-14T22:46:00.000+08:00

While everyone seems to be off with their own happy ending. Im still searching for mine. The guy I was willing to give my heart to didnt want it. So I'm sitting here with this blank expression thinking, for how long am I to wait?

I swear 4 years seem nothing. I waited for a guy that long before or maybe longer, have always gave me hopes, once even told me to wait and yet he is with someone else now. The story of my life. That is how it goes. Hours, Day, weeks, months, years filled with empty hopes and nothing more.

So when H told me to forget him, that was nothing new. Just a crush anyway he said, nothing new. Rejection- nothing new. Seeing others off with their prince charming, while Im all alone by myself- normal.

But years never prepared me for the pain. They still hurt, more as the years seem to go. I think I've began to give up more than ever. Is there really a guy for every girl and vice versa? For now I seem less convinced.

changingforgood

2007-06-14T22:13:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna change. I want to. I dont know how, but I will. I shant blog about it yet. Thats all. Enjoy your holidays everyone! 10 more days left!

Lovethiscompletely

2007-06-14T14:54:00.000+08:00

I just heard this song today and I completely love this. I've added it to my playlist, anyone with any good song recommendations preferrably R&b give me a shout out and I'll try to add it in too. (:

Anonymous By Bobby Valentino.

For a minute it was looking like

I'd end up one of those guys,

spending my whole life looking

for a special lady to save me

maybe i'll never be satisfied had

a couple bad lucks, and a couple

times. (Now that I'm looking for you,)

why you so hard to find

I thought I took one step,

I took two back I'm not even

close this time and that's a fact All

I know is that we'd be the

perfect match So where you at love?

I just gotta find you yeah.

I wanna know, I wanna know your name (your name)

Why you gotta be anonymous? I gotta know, I gotta

know your name (your name)2x

Why you gotta be anonymous?

Baby I want you so much(so much)

Wanna hold wanna feel your

touch come fast girl i'm in a rush

Why you gotta be anonymous?

I wanna know, I gotta know your name

Why you gotta be anonymous?

What's your name? (Anonymous)

Where you at? (Anonymous)

Think about you I getta a rush

I wanna meet my miss Anonymous.

Then I see you when I close my eyes

we on borrowed time

i wanna delay the sunlight.

Everything I tried to tell you I failed to

maybe I'll tell you another time.

How you keeping me so

pre-occupied

Gotta strong hold on me pay me

no never mind nooo!

boredtodeath

2007-06-14T14:35:00.000+08:00

The holidays are here, and I've been going back to school. lol. Staying at home is just boring me to death at the moment.

But its not like Im free, I still have my OC presentation to complete. With Naz off to london and the other two girls, who dont really seem to care and are always absent for OC classes, I'm left with the job to do. The thing is, the powerpoint slides could be flawless but without practise, we are so going to be dead!!. And Not only are we the first group to present, we are also going to present on the 29th of June. and thats like only 15 days away..NO MORE TIME!!

I still need to think of my individual presentation, I've thought of the subject. But that's just it. and we are suppose to be writing a speech when school starts. THATS OUR EXAM! sighs.

Admist all this chaos, Im also to call up Salvation Army and fill up the forms. Confirming details, like when we are able to start to receive training and such. And they actually wanted us to start during the holidays, but Naz is away, and on the 29th thats impossible, PRESENTATION DAY!!

Mygod. okay so while Im here stressing, I just hope that the rest of my holidays will not be wasted off worrying!!! Oh and by the way Naz flies off today at midnight so ppl dont miss her too much. lol. (:

forgivenbutnotquiteforgotten.

2007-06-12T20:41:00.000+08:00

There are so much I want to say, but I just dont know where should I start. Okay I guess, I have to admit this sudden rush of disappointment in me still leaves me puzzled. I swear I thought I've moved on from all the drama but I realise now that I was only trying to kid myself.

I met him today. Of all days, and here I am wondering, why do I still feel horrible when I see him. Havent I moved on? Arent we now friends? I know I've discovered that he is more tan the other day...but today, I realised that he has also grown a beard, a goatee whatever and He looks more mature now. What an irony huh?

What hurts the most by Rascal flatts kept ringing in my head. The very song I heard to heal the wounds and I just felt horrible. Yes, he smiled at me and yes I smiled back. But It was a fake smile and Im sure so was his. I should have went to fdcourt 4, I know I wouldnt have met him. I wouldnt feel hurt again, and hear the sudden beating of my heart. Mixed with rejection, anger and disappointment. I wouldnt have rmbered your words. I would have forgotten but I guess now, I havent still..

nervousbeyondrecognition

2007-06-09T18:21:00.001+08:00

Im not sure about this. But I signed up for BE's Karaoke Competition with the persistent persuation of my friends. The Audition takes place on dont know when. But Finals is on the 18 of July. And Actually I'm already having doubts right now.

I mean. WTH am I doing!! Im not a performer, the toilet is my stage and no where else. I dont even think I can sing anyway. I know I should not take this competition seriously and just join for the fun of it but Im scared out of my wits right now. The MAKMINAHS are really encouraging me the best way that they can, thinking of cheers and wanting to make a banner and all . And Y2 even offered to be a cheerleader but still I need to completely assure myself THAT everything will be okay. Cause I have this terrible feeling like Im going to embarrass myself out there. IDK why, I just do.

I still need to get the background music and I need to practise singing on a mic. I need to be prepared. I need to find my voice within but can I do that in time?

candid moments

2007-06-09T17:46:00.000+08:00

Hope you'll enjoy the view of my beautiful friends. NOT me though.

The day we went to Orchard.

Toilet @ Orchard

On the way to plaza singapura

Unfortunately you can only see my tongue.

Emo day!! haha.

Actually I cant rmb why we were laughing

chilling in orchard.
Before Marcotting Exercise at W5A - It was so freaking hot.

Dilemma

2007-06-07T16:06:00.000+08:00

In actual fact, dreams are to become a reality. But for me, it was the opposite. Reality happened to seep its way into my dream.

Sometimes in life, even your own friends may hurt you but you dont say it out because you dont want to hurt them instead. They do the things, you wish they hadnt although they had good intentions and sometimes you feel like you just dont fit in. Thats how I've been feeling these few days. I keep seeing her coming on to us, just when we were having our moment. And that spoils it all. But I know it isnt her fault, its mine. I shouldnt have these feelings in the first place. I dont want to think about this, but my dream reminded me of it all over again.

This is how my dream went. The thing was, I was lost. In the dream I didnt know where I was, I kept going up and down the stairs, opened doors only to find another staircase. I remembered there were people who was also lost with me but I didnt know who they were. But then I saw a bridge, and I crossed it. That was when I saw my family. They were having a bbq, to which I havent got a clue why. I saw A. Asked him what he was doing there but I was happy to see him. He said she(a blood relative) invited him. I kept wondering how she got his no. because She doesnt. Suddenly he started being so nice to her, they were flirting. My bff with my blood relative. All the time I was like how could they?

I began shouting at her, although I dont know why. She started crying and he went over to her to wipe her tears and hugged her and everything. This is when I woke up, I felt so horrible. I couldnt take the feeling- It was like rejection in the most cruel form.

Truth is the blood relative was suppose to be someone else. A was suppose to be someone else too. I know that. The dream just changed the real individuals I was picturing in my head, who would hurt me. I know its crazy but after I've let it all out to my sis- I felt better, this is forgotten. Friends will never hurt each other. Im trying to remind myself that.

hating myself right now.

2007-06-05T21:59:00.000+08:00

On a sadder note, I dont know if I should blog about this but I need to let this out..

I lost 2 of the most impt cards today.. I dont know how I lost it, I cant even rmb where I last put it or when I last held it. ALL I know is they are gone. Im trying to be mature about it and not let anyone else know about my dilemma right now BUT i cant hide my disbelief. WHAT is wrong with me?

Actually I lost them before. Terslip off my hand.. I went into the MRT baru terfikir where I put them, looked outside and saw it. Nk keluar MRT doors closed. I saw an old lady picked it up. I kept thinking pls let her still be there when I get back to Bedok..but she wasnt there. At the MRT, I reported my missing things. Balik rumah, already felt like crying cause before that I've already had a terrible day and it just kept getting more worse and worse. Lepas sembahyang, got a phone call that someone found it. Sujud syukur semua, I was so thankful.

Then Thumbdrive. same thing. tertinggal kat Studio one time. alhamdulilah the next day it was still there. But the second time, I left it kat Library, still plugged-hilang.
P. Harddisk. Left it in school by accident, the next day went MIA, alhamdulilah Mr Lim simpankan..

Now, my cards hilang again. secondtime always means THE END. I know I wont be seeing them again. Meaning I have to take good care of my harddisk from now on, cause the second time I lose it will mean It'll have disappeared forever. Besok got to call and cancel the cards everything. Sayangnya..D.A.C. I feel like murdering my self right now.

Maybe Y2 is right, I should attach chains to my stuff. sigh..what's wrong with me lately. Everything I do seems to go horribly WRONG!

the unexpected day.

2007-06-05T13:52:00.000+08:00

The day already started off badly because My hardisk went MIA. Actually I only realise that it was missing when I reached home yesterday, not only that, I realised I left it still plugged to the computer. reached school, no it wasnt there so I panicked. Reported it to MDM serena. Kept clicking on the Help button on my desktop to call for Mr Lim, hoping he had took it. The bloody thing said Please be patient, if I dont come to you by 5 Mins call my no.. I kept clicking and clicking I was LIKE WTH, (Y2 can still laugh tapi dia mcm concern gitu.. kk stop it.) I cant be patient the hardisk is $108 for god sakes. But thank god. it was with him. Alhamdulilah.

I met H today. and he was so tan. Belum lagi masuk NS dah hitam. Yes my heart beat like crazy when I saw him...but it wasnt for the reasons you might be thinking of. When Ain said his name, I turned and basically he saw me turn and all that, MALU LA. It was a direct face to face sight, if it was you wouldnt you be embarrassed too? Terus aku pusing sak muka. They said he waved. I dont care la he is the past, and thats just that.

Anyway O* sits permanently beside me today, I think so. I wont be so bored anymore I guess cause have someone to talk to. I have nothing agains PL, he just isnt there most of the time, that frustrates me.. lol. But actually.. Idk la. Mcm tah mengapa I rather not have dier sebelah me. Im sorry. gonna be in codes now. S.I. A. F. Tapi I dk why Im starting to have this H. T. H. idkla words cant explain how the f go. Honestly I have no idea what's wrong with me lately.

Its just that..S.C.T.T.T.O. T.M.O.T.T S. D.T. Im talking D.D. - spoiler gitukan. Anyways I shouldnt think too much. Yeah that is what I should do.

By the way KRG Im NOT Looking for mature looking guys okay.. Im not even looking for any guy.. So MAKMINAHs. you can stop it kks??.. you girls got ur own guys to think of.. no need to worry about me lol..that aside. Im going to go back to my ice. (=

Listening to my heart.

2007-06-04T14:50:00.001+08:00

at this moment, he is talking to her. at this moment, I can hear my own heart break..but no i dont know why..

The funny thing is.. It is only her I cant stand.okay..at this moment. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me...

The trip to JB

2007-06-01T11:43:00.000+08:00

I was so not looking forward to go to JB..cause FIRST of all, was going to take the bus not the car. SECOND of all, I still got my ICE 3 to complete. THIRDLY, Its been a long time since I went out with my family - so I was afraid of doing something wrong.

But Mum made me go because she said that Im always not around during family outings. This is not called ANTI-SOCIAL!! I had projects to complete and its not like we are having holidays now..(I have to point this out because Y2 said It was, IM not Y2 so stop it. I want to update blog also cant be at peace with some busybody beside me. haha) tapi sebenarnya aku suka..

Anyways..Parked the lorry at Madrasah Aljunied, walk to the Queensway terminal. paid the fare and took the CW2 yellow bus. The ride was okay, but it rain once we reached woodlands and there was already a traffic jam, in the car areas that is. Singapore Immigration done, Malaysia's was like super CHAOS. Waiting to stamp our passports took like forever.and the officer, attitude sia. Never even looked at our faces, just stamp only.

Took the bus to Kota raya..turns out that bus stop quite far behind..Soak with rain and everything..wanted to cross the road, we were all running suddenly Yana shouted "MY SHOE!!", her shoe got slipped off from her feet as it got stuck in a puddle. Dah la the shoe was transparent, its trully like Cinderella, but with less glamour of course. My dad went to cross the road and took it back.

Rain and more rain. Reached City Square. Ticket for student RM6 only hence I paid only RM6 for a cinema that is parallel to VIVO's lol. Spiderman 3 was quite touching..and I cried when Sandman told spidey the real truth of how his uncle died. I cried again when harry died. But I laughed the part of the electric table thingy..Y2 told me about it before and now I understand why his friend can laugh until his stomach hurts.

at the bus on the way home, I kept thinking of wanting to see dia in his baju Kullow. (GUESS WHAT, dia pakai baju kullow itu hari ni. lol)

tired.tired.tired. still had to go Nenek Ngah's hse. and we brought home another cat, thanks to Nenek Ngah. WTH!! Yana our house is not SPCA okay! well as long as she's happy I guess.

do I feel inferior?

2007-05-30T18:48:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine asked me a question today. and the question sounded alittle like this

do you feel pressurized having friends who are thin and you know you're not?

I said no. Why am I fat? Maybe some of you may wonder. I mean since I've got a thin sister and my parents were both thin when they got married so naturally you cant say that I have fat genes in me, BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE. Aaron once asked me why I was fat too, during the first time we just knew each other and he just met my sister. And I was going to walk him downstairs to show him the way to the MRT. and he just asked, WHY ARE YOU FAT?, I was fatter then. So much fatter. Those words stung I wont deny that, but I guess if I was him I would have wondered the same thing.

But for years I've been asking myself and believe me I wanted to ask Aaron back or anyone else who have asked me why I was fat before, Why CANT I? why cant I be FAT? Well I guess there is the health problems, the trouble of finding sizes, not able to get guys liking you, people making fun of you, the list is just inexhaustible. but then again. why should that matter if you are comfortable in your own skin?

I sympatize with all those little girls who are fat like I used to be, because when I recall the name callings, the bullying, people not wanting to be your friend, I know these girls suffer like I have and naturally they end up being anti- social because having friends hurt. I rmb wanting to wake up as someone else because I hated who I was. I hated being fat.

I was a chubby kid, have always been chubby, but I gained weight due to the fits I had. a condition whereby I wld go into a series of sudden high fevers. I rmb being at home and waking up in the hospital because I fainted. the medicine I ate, made me hungry. So I ate alot. And I became chubby. But I made myself obese. When Dad was forced to quit his job, and hd to went away for 6 months for reason I shant blog about. I couldnt take the pain we were going through I was only 10. So I ate, ate and ate until I couldnt feel anymore. Cause I didnt want to feel. I realise its stupid now, but I wasnt thinking straight and I had nobody to talk too then. No real friends nth and the only one person I wanted to talk to was away- yeah me and my dad we were really close then..

I used to be 80. but I have lost alot now. I lost 15 kg before and I can do it again. But I wont. I refuse to lose weight until a guy loves me just as who I am right now. People keep telling me that Im pretty, Im just fat. Lose weight and guys will like you.And I hate hearing that. I dnt want a guy to love me when I am thin, and wont if I was fat. Shouldnt beauty be from within? Isnt beauty in the eye of the beholder?

I've learnt while growing up that You can never please everyone. But what you can do is to be true to yourself. And you will never disappoint anyone. Life, not only love, is patience. Sometimes you just cant get what you've always wanted. But u can always be content with having second best. And I am happy with second best.

and this is how life goes on..

2007-05-30T17:19:00.000+08:00

alot of things has happened since the last time I've updated I realise that..

like on Monday, I kept feeling like something bad was going to happen that day. I dont know how to explain it but the feeling was just there. I was scared for something but I didnt know what. Its not being paranoid but nevertheless nth bad happened on Monday.

Something Bad did happen on Tuesday though. I guess you can say it was an early warning somewhat. School was as usual you know, I didnt really felt like doing the ICE. I wasnt in the mood. Ended early, Mdm Siti wasnt around. We watched videos in lib while waiting for Ain. The Wedding Planner, and I quote from the story: Love is Patience, Love is just Love you know.
Before going to my student's house I had a little argument with dad, so I was angry when I left home. And that's when tragedy struck. And I met him with her. I was trying to get out of the long queue in the bedok interchange, and apparently they wanted to get in. No, THANK God they didnt saw me. But the point is, I felt terrible. After all this time, I imagined what it wld be like to see him again, THIS WAS SO NOT how I pictured it to be. but that was not all.

When I reached my student house, kept thinking pls let them pay my fee, dont tell me they want to quit or something. But when I reached, this is what Yani (my student) said, "Kak my mother ckp tak nak tuition lagi" My mind went blank, black, empty. I could feel my stomach churned, in my heart I was like be strong dont cry. dont. But I did. I told Yana, its okay, show me your homework, we will end early, I wont chrg.

Yana kept asking "Kakak marah eh?", All I cld say was no la, Im just wondering how am I suppose to tell my parents that I am now short of $200 to give them. That was when I cried.
"Kakak kenapa nangis?" its nothing, just continue with your work, tahu buat tak? My life felt bleak at that time. The class ended at 9.

I was about to go in the lift, when her mother came out. Dah Habis? Oh dah, Cik mmg betul cik tk nak tuition lagi eh? Oh sementara holiday aja.. Nanti this tuesday dtg untuk ambil duitnya skali eh..oh okok.. terima kasih.

I guess..just a break isnt that bad. I'm just worried for Yana cause she failed everything. and had 13/100 for her maths. I just dont want her to fail her PSLE. You can only help someone so much, but sometimes, they need to learn how to help themselves.

Let the pictures do the talking..

2007-05-27T09:47:00.000+08:00

Some of the good memories we shared.

Nazurah and Me@ MCD

On the bus to bugis (N.A.A.N)Our feets(:

Faiza and me at Eastcoast Park

berat mata mermandang..

2007-05-26T14:59:00.000+08:00

NAD, I just want you to know, that we're here for you.. And if you're sad we're sad too..Sabar jer la kk..Sometimes, life's meant to hurt only because its only then we learn..All the best girl and you're right the most loving thing you can is to let them go. Even when it hurts. Good things happen to people who wait rmb?

This is what kak Ira gave me when I was still sad about h.

And it says:

When you love someone so deeply

They become your life

It is easy to succumb to the overwhelming fears inside

Blindly I imaged if I could

Keep you under glass

Now I understand to hold you

I must open my hands

And watch you rise

I've learnt that Beauty

Has to Flourish in the light

Wild horses run Unbridled

Or their spirit dies

You've given me the courage

To be all that I can

And trully feel your heart will

Lead you back to me when you're ready

to Land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly

For you I've become a butterfly

I'll fly abadonedly into the sun

And if you should return to me

Then we're meant to be

So spread your wings and fly

Flutter through the sky, for I've set you free.

All the best girl..cheer up!!

and Im still here..

2007-05-25T17:47:00.000+08:00

and Im still here In the school library no less. Time check 5:48pm. I dont know how I got from being alone to being with them.. who are they you might be asking. Wait let me first tell you about my whereabouts just now..

After finishing the OC crap, I updated my blog until crazy. Kept changing skins, trying and trying but couldnt because mine is a new Blogger that doesnt accept old Htmls. Then I found jackpot and realise that I could actually revert into the classic templates. Now I could use the different skins from blogskins.com.. Kept changing until I finally was satisfied with this one. BLACK, I wanted a black background blog from the start, so I guess I got my wish. And I also wanted to have the moving words at the bottom.. I got that too. I added my favourite song, Lonely September, I just heard it yesterday (thanks to my sis) and got addicted to it like crazy. The words of the song are so true to me..Freaky!!

I got bored with staring at the comp, been staring at it since 9am, so I decided to get a toilet break. Went to the 3rd storey toilet, sembahyang sekali (jumpa ain-the MARINTIME one, sembanhyang juga) then when back to lib, thought of watching a video. Sekali jumpa Haiqal.

Me: Tak ada e learning ke?

He: Huh? Mana ada, dah graduate dah..

Me: (paisey ah) huh? serious!!

He: Muka aku ni muda sgt ke? Abih sorang ah ni?

Me: Ya

He: Asal sorang? Asal tk ajak kawan.

Me: Tak ada orang nk ajak. (asal boleh jawab)

He: Aku ada tak nak..

Anyway then he pelawa to join them, he was with Eddy and Atika. The story we were watching was honestly merepek, mula2 Thunderbirds WTH! Macam power rangers, Eddy la ni choose cerita merepek. k, boring tuka- Ultravoilet, gruesome and not logical. But this one tengok sampai habis and Haiqal comment merepek2 time tengah tengok.. But mcm party la sey, dgn kerepok and biscuits and gula2. I didnt know them that well, but since haiqal was talking to me it didnt feel awkward sangat. At first mcm, seram nk sandar..Haiqal was beside me then Atika the other side..with eddy tengah peluk2..tah apa drg buat tk berani nk toleh. but haiqal asyik ckp asal tk sandar, relaxs ah. (mcm paham sey) haha.. k lah baru start sandar.

During the video, eddy and atika hilang. left me and haiqal alone. I had to entertain his lame jokes. (Seriously lame!!) Actually I asked him how come he in school then he say working. I asked kerja ape. He say kedai, then I was like oh..Foodcourt 3 eh.. Then asal pakai smart nah, he said Dah Tauke pe..(Tauke sey, serious pakaian dia smart giler cuma kelakar nya he wore t-shirt as top- so tak kena haha) kk..then dorang nk masuk viewing room lepas cerita ultraviolet habis.

I decided to on Mean girls, ask him to help me fix the headphone. At first I saw He go put volume 60.. then I was like Oi, turun kan.. He was laughing, Pakai la. Turunkan dulu. Dah turunkan la. Sumpah? he was like ye la.. turns out he wasnt lying. funny thing is he ask where i live, when I say kembangan then he can ask kembangan tu kan mane.. (of course I start laughing la) When dia dah tahu kembangan kat mane, he was like Mak kau jauh nye.. I wake up at 8 you must make up at 6. (Mana Ada, 32 minutes ride jer pe.)

he left me this biscuit he was like nah, ni untuk kau, then he went into the grp viewing room tengok bola. half way, time I was watching mean girls I felt like something hit my headphone on the ear, like ada orang kuti. I turn then saw him running and laughing. IRRITATING!!!!

Did I tell you that I acually xihuan haiqal before h? I guess not but whatever. he is so irritating. going to tuition now..thats all. (OMG, dah 6:22..) haha..

Back to square one.

2007-05-25T12:25:00.001+08:00

AND officially Im No longer Emo..cause dad fix back the wires to the comp haha anyway Lets blog about yesterday's day.

Well we went shopping, nad,naz, ain and I (cause we finish assignment early!!) Nad was going about how everyone had to call me with a diff name. (WHT!! Im always the victim) So she calls me Ama, Ain calls me Lina and Naz calls me Mali. ( I so didnt agree with this stupid idea..haha)Anyways Dalam Mrt, kat Tiong Bahru, met Najib in his NCC uniform. HE TEGUR SEY! Actually I didnt even see him, until he tap my shoulder. WAH! After giving him the testi saying he never says hi when he sees me in school, now he's the one yg tegur.. Best Jugak kan..haha Siap cakap Bye semua. (Ps: Nad wants his no, YA tuhan berape byk no laki kau nk ni! haha)

AND I met Alfian too at Beach RD. He was more Lame than ever but Thank God, he wasnt wearing his Father's shoes. haha. JERK! Have the nerve to say he still loves me and want me back when clearly he likes my sis. (A.hole) Dk, what I ever saw in him.

Seriously IDK how you girls can stand shopping. Penat sey. My Legs ached like crazy, kalau cuaca sejuk takpe jugak. Remind me to wear thinner clothes if you guys want to go shopping.

Oh and I chat with h too. (yeah that h. haha) Apparently yesterday was his graduation day. He gladly pointed out that he was going to be smart and handsome. (dont remind me. Sobs*) I thought I wanted to go see the ceremony since we were already in school. But it started at 4:30, so late!! Forget it. But it really has been a long time since I met h. Maybe it'll bring back old feelings, nonono. NO thanks! I dont need to be on some guy's arm to feel happy. YUP! but he really is handsome. Stupid he for being so handsome. lol

Oh and Ariff h's lookalike that also looks like haikal (yana's ex) haha 's name is actually Ari, like Ari WIBOWO sey..

PPS: Yeah elearning over!! CANT wait to go back to school. Girls reminder, MONDAY EMO tau, all black!! thats all (:

Ain and me (on the way to bugis from beachrd).

At beach road (semua tengah lapar lol)

he hates me.

2007-05-24T11:33:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been told by someone, that whenever he looks at you, he thinks of himself as a failure? or that he once knew happiness until he met you? Well I have, not once, actually I've been told that throughout my lifetime. By My dad, and yes he hates me.

Nothing I ever do is good enough, i dont understand why. He hates looking at me, and I know if he can he wouldnt want me as his daughter either. There is never a one day that I'll never be scolded for something. Now do you know why I hate coming home? I feel so useless when Im at home. All I ever do there is cry, and I know I shouldnt because Im a big girl now. And big girls dont cry.

He only knows of how much I hurt him. But how about him hurting me? Does he ever think about that? For years, Ive been trying to get him to be proud of me. Even in primary school, people would make up stories about me which arent true, but my cousin would tell my dad and I'll get a scolding from him even w/o him investigating the real matter first. He never listens to his own daughter and yet he wants me to listen to him. I was once the golden child in the house, you took advantange of that, so dont blame me for being who I am now.

I've came to a point where your words cant hurt me anymore dad, call me whatever you want. A pig? A cow? Useless? Stupid? You want me to live a terrible life right. I already have a terrible one now. You were once my hero, you kept saying that you're surprise that Nisham looks up to you.. How about us? We look up to you too, but it doesnt matter anymore. You're no longer a hero to me. When I was 3rd in class and 8th overall, what did you tell me? You rather have a stupid daughter than one like me. Dont you think that hurts dad? so if you think that Im the one who hurts you alone, pls think again.

I went up to use the computer because I had an assignment to do. I dont help around the house much I admit that, but I do help. I know you kept saying " Papa minta satu saja, bila you ada anak nanti, you akan ada anak lebih kurang ajar than you" or sometimes you say that I'll get a terrible husband oneday. I dont get it, why do you always want the worse for me. You told me wouldnt pass psle and you told me that I would fail my O'levels. I cried during my POA paper, you dont know that. I wasted 30 minutes just crying because I just couldnt take it.

Maybe Im just fated this way. To live all alone. Maybe god, can you just take my life, so that I wont be able to hurt anyone anymore. I dont know what the purpose of mylife is anymore. And right I dont care. Just let me die. No one will miss me anyway.

fated? NOT!

2007-05-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

It amazes me that throughout this elearning week..I've actually grew more closer to him And right now Im not sure if I should be happy or scared. But thats not why Im blogging.

Anyway I went to school today to send my CCA grade report to the Admissions Office, saw all the graduation students..( ThankGod I didnt see h). Actually I was with my sis, and she was a little malu nk masuk cause she was in her school uniform. But anyway I was telling myself that should I meet h today..it means we are fated.

AND GUESS WHAT!!! no I didnt meet h. but I met Ariff. The architecture guy that looked like him.. Now what does that mean? lol But I cant believe hafiz (MLS coming through) actually smoked. What a lame guy. So Gay, and tadi dia jln terkangkang-kangkang mcm orang tak betul. By the way My sis kept saying Ariff was cute..(Yana stop it!!) We went to Clementi to buy the $6 shoe. Naz cannot explain how to go the place. So we ask around. The Sweet talk lady was so snobbish, I was like Er Untie can I ask..then she held a hand at my face. Actually I wanted to buy a drink and ask for directions at the same time but because she was so rude, I decided not to buy anything. ( SERVE YOU RIGHT!!) We ask another Untie..and we found the place.

I didnt want to go home at first cause I wanted to play the comp in the library in school but Yana dont want to go home alone. So I went home. That was yesterday's day.

today sucks.

2007-05-21T21:32:00.000+08:00

Its already bad enough that I was suppose to meet Nad and Naz at 10 but I end up going out of the house at 10..lol I reached the library at 11..after which to my surprise I saw Naz and..lol. nevermind. And we all came up with this scheme to save time for which I will not blog about. lol

I began to redraw the top view, left side view and right side view.. Easy right. I thought so too.. But here comes the headaches. Axometric!! How to draw..And I swear I have not heard that word in my entire life before. At first we called Aliah, the year 2 girl. Actually I called Aliah, pretending as Nazurah. I Asked her if she can come down to teach us, she say can.. But later she call again say she forgot. So I msg y2, and he said draw 45 degree angle. Meaning? honestly i dont know what he meant. but Nad could draw it..so we thought thats done.

But then Cecillia come and say its not like that. And I call mr sonny he say 30 degree and 60 degree. Siao..must redraw again. already 2:45..CRAZY or what.

Perspective is even worse..Obviously I dont know how to draw this ..plus time is running out.. going to be 4 o'clock in another 50 minutes. DeadDeadDead. havent even compile everything in ppt yet. Honestly everyone was like panicking to the max. I knew I was. I kept praying. lol. That was how worried I was. And then Mr sonny showed up, felt like killing him for not extending the time. ( But then he later said can do until fri WTH!!)

During that time I actually asked y2 how to draw..he say he know but dont know how to explain..I felt like dying already..so worried. So end up drawing nonsence. I submitted at 4:01..GREAT!! And I saw so many people sumitted already. First guy was Pingliang..he is such a freak! lol. How he manage to finish so fast, i have no idea.

I checked the other's drawings great..mine is so wrong. period. So now Im to draw again..I honestly hate today. E learning is stupid. and naz lost her phone..so it was honestly a bad day. ( but actually there were some good things about today. lol..but I shant blog about it..or else I'll end up writing in codes again lol) But I guess its not all bad. lol

Before all the stress of Orthographic drawing!!

The Three DLA ghosts.

This is how I want it.

2007-05-21T07:57:00.000+08:00

I dont understand why must there be an elearning day. Im going to miss everyone. Actually I already do. And I hate it. I've always been waiting for the weekends to end, just to wait For MONDAYS and now I've to have for another 9 days. god. I just dont like coming home, if I did I would have studied in Temasek Poly but no I chose SP, I guess the first reason was that I wanted a new start, A new life, one w/o a past because there would be little familiar faces and no one who has bad stories to tell about me. I hate Bedok North Secondary through and through, I dont think I'll come back for Teacher's Day either. The only good thing about BNSS is that I met Aaron and Pei there but besides that, I hate the school. Principal, Teachers everything. I was a prefect and I was in the executive committee but I tell you this school is all about biasness. And its a criminal school So Dont come here unless you're pretty or handsome or you're a criminal too.

But Anyways thats not the reason Im blogging today. Ali was online yesterday. And you know I hate it when he is. Guess what he said, he was like Are you mad at me or something. Just because I havent talked to him for a very long time. Actually I've been avoiding him lol. But anyway I told him about what Mr sonny told us, you know about the arabs in Dubai. I kind of Insulted him, he is an arab anyway. He provoked me first, so Its not my fault. But I apologise anyhow. Arabs and their big egos.. The funny thing is, he seems different now, like he has changed although he assures me he hasnt. He's more polite now thats for sure. Well anyway, I know we've been like on-off friends for 2 years. And whenever we argue I'll block him and he'll block me. And then 3 months later he'll send me an email saying he is sorry, and I'll unblock him back. Then the whole cycle occurs again. lol. But what shocked me was yesterday is that, he was like. If I go to Malaysia, Im going to marry you. And I know you wont say no.

So here I was thinking. WHAT T.H? I was like what makes you think I wont say no. And he was like, I dont know I just think you wont. (This is so egoistical of him!!) So I continued by saying, what makes you think you would even want to marry me. And this is the most craziest answer I've ever heard and I quote from his very words: You're stupid,smart, stubborn and ,,, (the last word I wont list lol)

okay well he has definitely got the stubborn part right but. WTH. This guy is so annoying! But I dont understand why I still l enjoy talking to him anyhow. lol. He is in Texas and he is 20 years old and he is the first guy I told my real age to. So. I guess, being such long friends, there's bound to be a soft spot for him somewhere. BUT IM so not marrying that freak. Case closed. He can argue all he want, Im not marrying him. Just thinking of marriage right now, scares me. MG.

Im only 17, with 2 more years of my poly to complete. I have no time to think of marriage, let alone relationships. (Although I kind of want one) nonono. Forget I said that. I rather have my heart free then be emotionally trapped with my own feelings. I like not wishing and hoping for some guy to sweep me off my feet, cause I know I wont feel disappointed if there are none. At this moment my heart is free. That is how I want it.

emotionally trapped.

2007-05-18T10:27:00.000+08:00

My mind's giving me a million problems today. I kept wondering why H. didnt C. me when we were suppose to be in the lecture room for the ELEARNING briefing. I was there on my table, drawing the plants then finally realising CC. was gone, H. was no where in sight and Mdm Serena was flashing something on the projecting screen in the lecture room. The thing is H. was there, A. me, why couldnt H. C. me. or A. me or S. something. ANYTHING! I didnt know we had to be in the lecture room, I honestly didnt. I heard the honking but I thought someone was playing with it. Actually I dont even know why I feel so hurt and disappointed. And I felt so U. yesterday. Actually I was U. not only yesterday, I'm U. everyday for that matter. I have been A.T. lately. I cant see N. T. H. My insides H. L. C. because my E. turn G. W. E all the time. The way N. F. when F. T. to N, thats how I. F. exactly. I dont want to go through with this again. Why am I making another big mistake? Why wont I learn. But Im glad Haijian was beside me yesterday, and H. was no W. I. S. Actually I W. W. H. didnt even. T. T. M. after L. I searched F. H. to S. G. but H. was no W. I. S. at all. And I dont even F. L. I . F. I. W. N. A. A. N anymore.

Im sorry Im in codes today, I have so much to say but no one I want to tell.

last mother's day.

2007-05-18T09:48:00.000+08:00

It was on the Mother's day that Dad told us our situation has just gotten worse. I dont think Mum deserved to hear the bad news after all its spoilling her special day. I wished mum, but no I didnt buy for her anyting this year. Hakim did though. When I came back from tuition that day, Hakim was still up making mum a mother's day box and card. It was heart-warming to hear him asking me how to spell certain words like badge and roses. I know he'll be a filial son when he grows up, I just hope he'll not let people destroy him just as I had. I have always let people's hurtful words eat inside my heart. It hurt so bad, so unbearable that I broke out from being a filial child to a broken one. I went astray but I guess I chose that path, so I have only myself to blame. But the worse is, Hakim's life seems parallel to mine, the bullying, people stealing his things, being left out from friends, etc. Hopefully he'll be stronger than I was. He has to, Life is all about the survival of the fittest anyway.

But alhamdulilah, just after dad told us that we couldnt survive for the next 3 months, Helmi called, to order 200 currypuffs and 100 mixed drinks. Someone else ordered 30 currypuffs. And so on. I had to stop doing my ICE to help make the currypuffs cause they wanted it by 6pm and 10 pm. I know I'm always not around to help cause Im always doing my project work but today I just had to help, I hate knowing I've never helped much at home this few months.

We were rushing (Sorry nad I know you hate this word lol) to fry everything, and heat up the ones he brought back that he didnt manage to sell yesterday cause Cik Man wanted to treat everyone at Chaichee Seafood Restaurant for mother's day. Auntie Noreen is pregnant again. (Congratulations!) And Baby Izzat is so cute. (They just had Izzat who is 1 years old I think but Auntie Noreen is pregnant again lol). It was fun meeting up with my cousins again. Luqman kept trying to take my picture, so I had to hide my head under the restaurant table, but I manage to take his. lol (you lose!, I win lol) Luqman is 12 by the way. (:

I loved the fried baby squids, oh it was the first time eating them too. So crispy. And of course I've always love their sweet and sour fish, so mouth watering. But the tomyam soup was so spicy that I even choked on it. By the time, the fried prawns arrived, everyone hadnt any room left to eat anymore. Even Nas, who was resting his stomach just to eat the prawns ended up only eating one. I really enjoyed myself. Thanks Cik Man and Auntie Noreen for the treat. And May you have a safe birth and a healthy baby this November!

how to waste 5 hours of your time.

2007-05-16T11:13:00.000+08:00

Go hike at macritchie reservoir but dont enjoy the scenery just look at the ground. Cause after a few hours of your hike, you'll be wanting to see solid ground anyway. Yes, we practically wasted our time at macritchie yesterday.

The day already started off badly as we were suppose to meet Vanburg and he had us waiting for him for like more than half and hour. (Remind me that he owes all of us a treat!) And it was raining. Naz already started panicking. But Su yi who was also waiting for him, was so super calm Mygod. I was laughing like crazy seeing Naz's state. lol. She already started going on about how if this was a date, she'll already left the guy there. lol What is this, Girls waiting for boy? what is happening to the world? Actually is two girls and one boy waiting for a guy. lol.

After like half an hour, berg showed up with his apologetic face. And Naz kept reminding him that he owes us a treat, and he was like okayokay I'll buy you guys drinks okay. WHAT? DRINKS? I also can buy. lol. No, dont want drinks, drinks is if you make us wait for 1 minute but its just too bad that isnt the case. Waiting for the bus was like the most nerve wrecking time of my life. Where T.H. is the bus? how come 105 until 2 buses still no 74. I msg Y2 he was still outside his house. what is this. (But he reach earlier. irritating.lol)

Anyways do you know that the ratio of women to men is 5:1. So according to Mr Sonny, nowadays, girls are the one who are to make the move on guys. I was like WHAT? I dont think I'll ever be that brave to tell someone I like them ever again. What happen with h is one terrible nightmare I dont want to repeat ever.

I know I've walked from Changi to Chinese Garden but this hike is just too unbearable for me. My legs ached so bad while we walked on rocky grounds for the most 80% of our journey combined with slippery mud and steep roads. And worse of all I fell. Damn Tree, the umbrella got stuck and when I tried to get it out, I slipped and fell. Well not really fell but I was on my knees basically while my palms were on the muddy floor. But you know what, I got back up and shouted "I'm okay!" and laughed like crazy. (deep inside I felt like hiding my face till the end of century) Carter was like you sure you okay? I can call ambulance. ( yeah,very funny)

Y2 kept saying dont roll,dont roll.Then ask me to walk at the under construction areas, saying walk there la, we see who reach first. stupid. lol. We kept talking crap the whole way. So tired still can have energy to talk, some ppl like chaichuan so quiet thoughout the whole trip. lol And He still can call me Big baby, idiot.. Cause I drank water from my waterbottle like I was sucking a milk bottle lol. I told Ayam, if only there is someone to carry me..and he was like I can carry you but pay me $100 first. lol. crazy, does he want to break his bones? haha, joking2. After 5 hours Finally the stupid hike ended. Kita dah la, Finally, I was like Yes! abih Naz was like Alhamdulillah. Naz you're betul, betul from Mekah sey.

Alhamdulilah, ada juga yang masih mengingati tuhan..That was all (:

Farmer and chicken a.k.a me and Xiuming lol.

I'm with Ocean and Sky but no Im not the grassland lol.

Kokhua, Allan, johnjohn and me (:

Naz, Nadia, me, Mr Sonny
DLA/ FT/1A/01/02

sweet surprise.

2007-05-12T17:59:00.000+08:00

I cant believe you did that all for me. Thanks girl. I love the present, Its so cute. I know my birthday's like two months ago but still its the thought that counts. I really really love it! I will definitely think of you whenever I hug it.

It kind of makes me feel bad right now, especially since my present for you wasnt as grand as this. Right now, it kinda makes me miss the old days, when we were still laughing over silly things and how you were always so selfless towards me. But Px and I, we started off as enemies, hating each other's guts. I couldnt stand her, the way you'd stare at me and I'd stare back. Thinking of it now though, always makes me smile. Thanks for thinking of me. Hey bestfriend, its okay that the present's belated. Its even okay that both you and Aaron forgot my birthday. lol. Yeah, I can see that you're really sorry since coincidently both of you bought "winnie the pooh" things for my birthday. Plus Aaron even bought a box of ferrero roches and that's new cause he never buys chocolates for me before lol. And he even tried to be funny by saying Merry christmas Ama. I couldnt even count the number of times he said sorry for forgetting. Nope, I wont forget you guys, not even when we're in different schools now. True friends are never forgotten cause there's a special place for you right in my heart. And Pei, Im not a genius with you know what , stop it okay. lol. Im just so grateful for having friends like you by myside.

PS : My family was so esctatic when they saw me bringing home the big package. I thought you were only going to pass me the SIMS 2 CD. It was definitely a sweet surprise.

Before the big reveal

My very own winnie the pooh bear!

The letter, lol, yeah your english has di(s)prove alright.winks*

still waiting

2007-05-11T12:52:00.000+08:00

I dont need to be on some guy's arm to feel good i know that, but my life seems somewhat empty without a male presence in it. Why are all the good guys either short, taken or gay? I've been searching for my Mr. Right for what it seems like an eternity and still there's none in sight. I thought there's always a someone for everyone but i guess mine's just not here yet.

This takes me back to my secondary school years, when we were playing Angels. Everyone is class has their own secret angel who'll try to cheer their day, with a gift or a note.For days, I wondered why I hadnt received my gift, not even a little note of encouragement while everyone else in class had clearly gotten theirs. After four weeks of nothing, I gave up. But it was then I found a little glass container wrapped in ribbon with sweets on them on my table. I was ecstatic.

But later I found out that it was my teacher who gave them to me because my supposed angel, hafiz was hospitalised at that time. So basically I had no angel.

I guess my life's meant to be that way, everything's there for a price, my patience. Good things happen to people who wait yeah, I know. But for how long am I to wait?

And finally fluffy's married! (PS : with our neighbour's cat lol)

New member of our family, Putri!

why me.

2007-05-04T11:21:00.000+08:00

honestly what is wrong with my life? Cant I be happy? Just when I thought, I could finally forget the past and relive my smiles, this unfortunate incident happened yesterday.

A group of year2 sisters claimed that Rahman, actually told them that I had the nerve to like him. This were their exact words, I perasan nk gi suka dia..
Honestly I dont understand, Rahman seriously said that? Why?

Rahman, is a senior of mine who we got to know during the orientation week in east coast park. I thought he was a nice guy who had strong opinions and seriously I didnt think much about anything else. I never had feelings for him, why would I Want to anyway when clearly I like someone else.

Basically I can understand if he was handsome or anything like that to say such a thing to me, but he isnt even goodlooking and he's not exactly thin either. If he really said those words, then mygod that guy is so full of himself. He should look deeply into that cracked mirror of his, honestly.

Right now I have no idea if these sisters are telling me the truth or just making this up. We always tegur him whenever we see him thats just cause we thought, he is a friend. Which universe is he living in? Saying Hi doesnt equals to I like you.

If i like the guy I honestly wont even say hi to him, I wouldnt be able to say anything sensible cause i'd be terribly nervous. I dont say hi to h. he's the one who says hi. and even when he knows i like him though he doesnt, he's gentlemen enough to want us to be good friends.

I didnt think there are ppl like rahman in this world. with no looks and so full of himself. I felt guilty at first for saying that he should go look at himself in the mirror, nk ckp org perasan.. I mean what if he didnt say it and those girls made it all up. Right now Im just so confuse. Should I ask him or just let it be.

I think I'll just let it be. The truth will always find its way. Besides, what I dont know, wont hurt me right?

and at this moment IM free..

2007-05-03T14:28:00.000+08:00

Im really glad, this stigma is over. IM finally talking to him!! But I Cant view his profile anymore, It'll hurt me. Seeing those girls and wondering which one is the Ls member he was missing. But being his friend is a better option than having to avoid him all the time right.. yeah, I thought so too. to say I've completely forgotten him would be a complete lie. I still cant and havent forgotten him. I saw Ariff just now, the architecture guy who looks so much like him, just the skinner version. Kinda made me think of him. I know good things happen to people who wait. so thats just what Im going to do. At this moment my heart is free.

beyondrelief.

2007-05-02T13:51:00.000+08:00

today I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. honestly, I didnt think I'd tell them. ain, nadia and naz. But I guess, I've been wanting too, its just that I couldnt find the right words to say. Besides, its no big deal, it was just a stupid guy and a stupid crush. I guess Im feeling this way because this is the first time i've never received a frontal rejection before. And I just cant seem to get over his words, they keep repeating in my head. I dont know why.

i know Im not ugly. Im just not very pretty but ugly's what I think of myself whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I'm used to this, rejection. I should be able to handle this by now, bt i dont know why it hurts so much this time. we were walking along the caterpillar to the lib and CT was like ingat tk tempat ni.. and I was like thanks nad. really. Im trying to forget this guy. Trying to move on from this bad episode. and then she pointed out an author on one bk.. with his name. GOD.

i guess im just glad that he's no where in sight. Im just glad that I havent met him in school, cause I wouldnt know what to say. I know were're suppose to be friends. but I dont know if i can be one, knowing I've embarassed myself completely in front of him.

And I guess I have my pride too. I went to look at aizat's profile and great, his face was there. Yeah, I knew he was in dikir barat and won the competition. Saw it in his profile. But my heart was like breaking when i saw his face. I honestly have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. he is just a guy. and there are alot of other guys. I still dont understand why somehow this feels like the end of the world.

actually when kak ira said, let him finish his service, maybe by then he'll think throughly about it. In my head i was like, am I too wait that long. Will he still rmb me? I know good things happen to ppl who wait but, honestly, should i wait, I'll just live a miserable life all alone, not knowing what the hell and why the hell Im in this wild goose chase.

the way he said it was like he liked someone else. And I guess I cant blame him, its not like Im pretty, Im fat. With pimples. with ugly lips. and low self esteem. every other bad thing u can think of, thats me.

naz, suggested for me to go counselling when I kept saying that I was ugly. What i didnt tell her was that I did went to a counsellor during my secondary years. That was my life. My horrible past, I dont intend for ppl to know.

I need you. maybe not you. anyone. I cant be alone in this world. I need someone. My biggest fear is to grow old alone with no one to turn to, no one who cares for me. I know bila kita mati nanti, semua orang akan keseorangan, but right now. I just dread loneliness. but what to do, it knows me by name.

during those days, we left our brains at home.

Ain will kill me for this, that guy is hers by the way.

trying.

2007-04-30T12:04:00.000+08:00

i've been trying to forget our conversation but I have no idea why his words kept ringing in my head, keep appearing in my nightmares, I cant even close my eyes for a second and not see his face. I guess its easy for him, to just walk away and pretend it didnt happen, but its not easy for me. I want to forget him, I really want to stop hoping. He said it himself, he wants me to forget about it. I kept hearing his words time and again, I'd hear my heart break and yet Im still waiting. I cant even concentrate in class. I hate myself for letting him do this to me. Lets just consider ourselves as good friends, long time buddies. I dont know if I can still be a friend to you anymore.

Mypast/present/future

2007-04-29T09:44:00.000+08:00

So many things are going through my head right now and honestly you're the least of my problems. I've just completed my mum's assignments but I have 3 other projects to do, all to be handed up next week and I have no idea how I am to complete them on time. I guess you were right, its just a crush anyway. But to say I felt nothing would be a complete lie. I've always wondered what rejection felt like but I never thought it would come from you. I guess I was in my dream world , forgetting the harsh facts of life and the number one rule girls like me often forget : Never expect too much from a crush.

I guess it wouldnt be called a crush if it wasnt meant to hurt. Sometimes, I wonder why I put up with this charade. I tried to pretend like none of this affected me when all it did was to give me a huge slap right back on my face. I knew falling would be a mistake, but I took the risk and now I have no idea how to get myself back up. How am I to move on , when all I ever hoped and dreamt has just disappeared into the wind, leaving me here all alone, cold, tired and lost.

Those words you said to me, kept repeating in my head, like a bad rerun. I wish I could just turn back in time and forget none of this ever happened. I've completely embarassed myself in front of you and my only conclusion is that you love someone else. There were tears although I forced myself not to cry. I shouldnt be disappointed, I've known from the start that the chances were nill. Perhaps I got carried away in my daydreams and Im the only one to blame.

I guess, Im to accept the reality that I'll never know what love is. Stephen was my past, Aaron my present, you're my future. All of which seemed to end with me hurting.

a distant memory, the first one to break my heart.